Im sad i think

Maybe its just that i am feeling really tired right now and that i really dont want to be at work but i am feeling incredibly sad. Im feeling left out about the whole wedding thing but the triggers associated with that is still pretty bad. Im still working on the whole forgivness part of it and trying to understand and accept that i dont have to punish or hurt myself. That it is ok to feel hurt and sad and angry without needing to retailate against myself. Right now i think the whole thing is just scary still and im afraid to let go of the things that hurt me because i dont know who i am with out them. I knowbi shouldnt use negative things to define myself but who am i without them? Can i really truely stop feeling the need to destroy myself and die. Im trying to talk to linda and i think my feelings of rejection have been really bad this week and i was struggling a lot with feeling angry at everything. Im not angry today. Today i am just really tired and sad. I want to jyst go home and lay down. There is so much that i have to do at home to prepare for nia coming tomorrow and of course ive done nothing. I know i have to clean and what not but im always so tired and dont want to do anything and then i just lay down and sleep and waste lots of time. My time management skills are pretty bad..i think that i dont know how to express that i am hurting without actually hurting myself..i dont know how to tell someone that i need them and that i dont know how to say i need support without demanding hugs and attention..but then my need to withdraw and not ask for help gets in the way and i dont ask for anything and then im upset because i dont ask for what i need and i am upset because my needs arent being met and ive ended up overwhelming my director and not seeing my supervisor is really bothersome..and i miss her. I miss both of then and im still fighting the desire and need to have all of there attention and care and i dont want to have to share them with anyone else at all. I just want them and yes in my head i have created this family with just me and the two of them and i am happy and safe. The reality is that i cant have that and that is not how things can be and it makes me uoset and sad. I feel that it is unfair that i cant have them the way i want to have them. I just want to feel safe and heard and cared for. I dont have anyone to give me that on a regular basis and again in my head this need is a daily thing. Ive spent so long trying to ignire the fact that i needed again..and now i know the need. Its been identified and it refuses to be ignored. I have an appt next week to talk to the pastors wife. I dont know how it is going to go but i hope it goes ok and that i dont freak out or do anything stupid..i hope that i will be able to talk aboutt my fears and issues and how it relates to church and god and everything because there are issues on the whole religion subject. I will have to try not to spill my guts and overwhelm her. I will try. But i know that i do need to have a way to get the excess feelings and stuff out safely..and with my sister coming and staying for the next two weeks i will have to be in complete control all the time..and ill have to be social and talk and everything. I know it will be hard but i think ill just have to manage. So i guess there is just a lot going on right now. I never get a break any more from my head stuff..its a full time job just dealing with myself