i dont want to die..

i dont want to die. i just want to stop hurting. i want to stop feeling so sad and broken. i want to  be heard and to not feel invisible and all alone. i dont know how to ask for help. i dont know how to accept help. i dont know who to trust. i dont know what it is that i want to do or what i want to say..sometimes it feels like i am just here..i am just nothing, invisible..lost..afraid..but i dont want to die.  im confused in this world though..i feel like i dont fit in anywhere..that nothing is right..that im just still stuck and will just have to keep struggling and fighting to stay in a world that im not completely sure even wants me..im just i dont know..i think about dying and it feels okay.  i think about living and there is a huge unknown..i dont know what is going to happen. i dont know what will happen..i want to feel loved but it is as if no one needs me..no one wants me..i dont even want me..and i just feel so heavy in my head..fuzzed out..drifting..yesterday i was stuck in my head..i kept thinking negative things..i kept thinking that i was nothing that i didnt matter that i couldnt be saved..that no one wanted me..and i wanted to cut..i wanted to hurt..i wanted to just get out of my head..i wanted attention i think..and i didnt get it in the way that i wanted and that made me feel even sadder. i didnt know what to do...i just waited but the crowd and the noise at church got to me..i was feeling very unsafe yesterday just in general..i was feeling on edge..i didnt want to be touched but i did want to be touched..well i wanted to be hugged anyway..but i still wanted to push people away..as much as i wanted to connect and feel something..feel safe..i just wanted to push everyone away..and the same thing happened in church yesterday..went through the whole service pretty much stuck in my head and thinking awful things...and it got to the end..the prayer part..and my director asked me if i had thought about going up and getting prayed for..and i told her i had thought about it and my answer was still no..but i told her no..and all i wanted to do was go up there..i had to really stop myself from asking her to go with me..i cant do that.. im afraid...im afraid of what it means..im afraid of the pastor and being touched..and i dont want him..how awful does that make me ?? i dont want him..i want lady and elder..i can handle them..i can deal with them being close to me..but i get nervous and scared when he is near me ..and he has done nothing to me..absolutely nothing.but its just that he is older and male..and i am afraid of him..im afraid of being hurt..im afraid of what will happen..and there are so many ppl..and i feel crowded so easily..and its not like i can ask for a different set up just for my sake...just for my comfort..i am ashamed of myself for needing things to be so different..for wanting things to be so different..and im sad that i cant go after what it is that i want and need..i feel stupid for not being able to ask for support and hugs and safety..and it makes me feel crazy..it makes me feel different..it makes me feel like i dont fit in because i still need so much..and still i am not able to get what it is that i want..again i am forced to consider that i will never be able to have a parent that i want..that cares for me and loves me..i am to old to be parented again..and my childhood is gone and has been gone for a long time..but im still looking for that relationship..i still want that relationship..i still want to be a child..i want to be taken care of..i want to feel like i matter ..that im important..that i can be completely safe around someone..that i can get comfort and not be afraid of being hurt..and i know lady wont hurt me..and i know elder wont hurt me..and jessica wont hurt me..but beyond that when dealing with the church im not sure about..and i tend to stay away from people..and i still work to convince myself that i dont need anyone else..that i am ok..that i am fine..and thats what i tell ppl because who wants to listen to me complain about my days being bad..or me struggling to keep myself safe..or how it is that i am feeling so badly on a daily basis..and i feel like i am just failing all over again..that lady wants me to be happy and postivie and i try and still im not getting it on a continual basis.and its like im just failing at life..that i cant be happy no matter how hard i try..that my thoughts so easily take over and overwhelm me..and i know that its supposed to take time and a whole lot of work and effort..but i get caught up thinking that if it doesnt happen right then or the next day then i have just failed compeltely.. that there is no help for me because i cant do what it is that everyone is telling me to do..or telling me what i can have if i want it bad enough..that i just have to think positive..and that i just have to want it..and in my head what im hearing is that im not trying hard enough..that its just my fault because i dont want it bad enough..that if i just try to be happy then i will be happy..and if im not then im flawed in some way..then there is just still something wrong with me becuase i cant be like everyone else..and then i dont want to try anymore..because i watch everyone else and wonder why it is that i cant feel like them..why i cant have that much faith and belief and contentness..why cant i let things go..and its like im torturing myself on purpose..like im just keeping myself stuck in this very dark place..and im doing it on purpose and i dont deserve to be helped or feel better becuase im still not able to live up to anyones expectations..not mine..not mommy..not anyone..and ill end up just being alone forever because there is nothing else for me..there is no place for me...and that is why i think about dying and think that it will let me finally be free..that it will let me go away and find some sort of peace of mind..that i can just make everything stop..and not have to struggle anymore..and not have to feel so badly anymore...and the suckiest part of all of this..is that it all takes place in my head..no one can see what im thinking..no one knows what im thinking or how badly i feel most of the time..no one knows at all..and i make sure to keep a massive amount of control on expressing what i feel..or well not expressing what i feel..it takes a lot to get me to go past saying that i am fine..and that things are ok..how many people can i expect to listen to me talk about dying or cutting without trying to stick me in the hospital?  sometimes i just need to talk about it..and it doesnt mean im going to act on it...but those are heavy topics to have to expect someone in my daily life to deal with..my therapist doesnt count becuase she is trained to talk about it and help me deal with it and figure out how to move past it..but just like a coworker..or someone at church .. people like that..i know i cant expect understanding from everyone..i do understand that..but then my fears of being judged and rejected and hurt and picked on and talked about start to go crazy and my need to hide from everyone and keep my thoughts to myself becomes much more important..becuase i do manage to go to work and pay bills and in some manner of things manage to take care of myself .then the rest doesnt even matter..im not going to overwhelm someone else with my stuff..because i know that it is a lot to deal with..it is a lot to place on one person and expect them to deal with it and then to help me feel better..why would i do that??  but then i end up just burning out the ones that do try to understand without judging me..like jessica and lady and my therapist..i go back and forth to them and want them to deal with my stuff and then help me feel better..and i want so much from them..i want them to save me..i want them to fix them..but my stuff is so hard and overwhelming and its not fair to ask someone else to take it on for me..to ask someone else to deal with it and work through it and somehow give me piece of mind..and i become this person that no one can deal with..that no one wants to deal with because i have so much to deal with..sometimes i wonder how it is that i do manage to make it through the day..the week..i dont know how ive managed to last so long as it is..i had planned to die long before now..but i am still here..and i dont know why..i dont know what i am hanging on for..i dont know what im waiting for..or what i am expecting to happen..but im just stuck with myself and with all of my issues and it is very tiring..i get tired of having to deal with myself and to stay in control and show that i am in control..without the scars im not sure anyone would even know that anything was wrong..and maybe that is not a clear assesment because both jessica and kathy told me otherwise..they said yes they noticed the scars and considered that i was possibly cutting..but that it was other things too that had let them know that something was up..that something was going on...i like to think that i am hiding things well..and maybe with most people i am..but jessica and kathy are in the mental health field..i prolly should have known that they would figure some things out..i mean gosh im in the office on a weekly basis..yes they would figure things out to a point anyway..and yes it shocked the heck out of me when they let me know that yes they did know things were going on and well my questions led to explanations that were overwhelming to put it nicely..my little bubble of safety was popped big time those days..because its like holy crap they can see me..they can see past the whole image that i like for people to see..they can see me more than anyone else..there is only a very small group of people who have managed that..and its only an even smaller handful of people that i willing told on my own..and so my circle of support is tiny..but i dont lean on them because  i feel awful with needing to ask for help and needing them to deal with all of my stuff..i dont even want to deal with it most of the time so how can i ask someone else to deal with it? how can i ask for someone else to listen to me and hear what it is that im not saying..because well me being forthcoming with information is a long long process..i am better at it than i was before..but yeah..my therapist had to work hard to get things out of me and get me to explain myself and say anything at all...i guess its that i dont feel like i deserve help..that i dont think i will be different..i dont believe that i will be able to ever deal with myself..and that just brings my thoughts back to feeling so sad..and alone..and suicidal...but i think about suicide often..maybe i need to explain that..i dont know..i think about it..i want it..but i dont act on it..the whole safety contract thing with linda means that i have to call her..and my darn need to obey the rules means that i will call her..the cutting is different..and not on the same contract..but im trying hard not to do that either..but i am thinking hard about how much of a relief it would be..how much it will let me escape from myself for just a little while..thats all i want..a little break..a little peace of mind..time to regroup without all of the stuff in my head taking over..i want to be able to breath and not have it hurt so darn much..but i cant have that escape either..and so i am stuck with myself and my thoughts..ive tried everything..im writing..im looking up positive things..positive pictures and quotes and stories..im playing all the little annoying time consuming games..im taking my medicine..although one is running out and i dont have the darn money for it..so yes i guess i will have to expect that things are going to be bad for the next week or so..im doing my collages..im doing everything that im supposed to do when i am feeling like this and still nothing is helping keep my thoughts in order..nothing is helping with keeping me feeling calmer..and at ease..and so i am just stuck dealing with myself.and dragging myself through the day..and doing what i can to stay safe and sane and something..i guess the really funny thing is that i am not sane at all..if anyone was in my head i dont think anyone else would be able to deal with it..i dont think anyone else would be able to manage the constant way i am attacking myself..i mean its more of a positive and negative thing..and not completely negative like it was before..but it is attacking all the same..if i want to escape myself then what in the world would i expect someone else to do? 
my thoughts won out yesterday..the negative ones..i didnt cut though..and im obviously still alive..but still today my thoughts are at war with each other..both the positive thoughts and the negative thoughts are fighting hard against each other..its like a constant bickering ..a constant need to prove one more than the other..i think about the people who i do feel safe with..and i try to find comfort in my thoughts of them..its all i have..and soon i have to get up and get ready for work..well its more like right now i have to get up and get ready for work..but i had to empty my head just a little bit..i needed to get some extra room so that i would be able to think a bit clearer and manage with work today..but im not prepared for work today..i dont have my paperwork done..and i am feeling bad about that..and im going to work on them throughout the day..but no im not prepared..and i hate how my depression does get in the way of my work stuff..no i dont want to go to work today. i want to hide at home and not have to deal with anyone or talk to anyone or be around anyone..i dont want to do paperwork..i dont want to be on the computer..i just want to lay down and sleep the day away so that i dont have to deal with it...im tired...very very tired..