this is true..and thoughts on today

"If just one person believes in you. Deep enough and strong enough. Believes in you hard enough and long enough. Before you knew it, someone else would think, "If he can do it, I can do it" Making it two. Two whole people who believe in you. And maybe even you can begin to believe in you too." by Robin and The Muppet Gang

 so saw this today...on facebook of course...sometimes facebook is where i go to feel better about things..about life..since the changes..a lot of people are sharing quotes and pictures and stuff..and i try to snag the ones that i find or that i like and all of that..but a friend had this one posted today and well i do see a lot of truth in it..i dont believe in myself much at all..but sometimes it is helpful to know that there are other people who care and believe in me..and im hoping that at some point i will be able to believe in myself too..i have them until i am able to do for myself...until im able to believe by myself..

yesterday was rather hard...sad...today i woke up in a better mood..but am currently not feeling so great at all..which lets me know that i need to prolly check my sugar..joy..ive got to get better with that..not looking forward to all of the meds either..well next week i think i have like 4 scripts i need to get filled..with a fifth coming on friday..and if i cant afford the pain meds then ill just be sleeping for about 3 days if the pain is bad..but trying not to think about that because it makes me very afraid..so yeah  

but today..im supposed to be writing about today..umm this morning i said goodbye to my little house guest..and it was an okay couple days.but again im glad to have my house to myself..im so tired and i have such a headache..and i really just want some time to myself.its like i need to build up my resources again so that i will be able to manage the next time i have to have company..but i took him home and then i went to church..and i debated the whole way to church..heck i was debating with myself yesterday about if i wanted to go or not..i wasnt sure ..i wanted lady there and she wasnt there..and that made me sad..and so i got there a little bit early..and was just hanging out in the back..i had claimed a seat in the back..where i was safe and could see everyone around me..i was ok there..but goodness there are a few ppl who just refuse to let me get away with sitting in the back..and so i was in the back minding my own business..and one of the usher ladies who checks on me like every single time she sees me..asked if i wanted to move up to the front and sit with the person i was sitting with on wed..and i told her that i wasnt sure..and she left..and so i was just in my own little world again..and then jessica comes along..and she sees me.and says hi and keeps going to her seat..and i kid you not..that less than ten minutes later the usher is back and asks if i want to sit with jessica..and darn it if i didnt move..i was undecisive majorly..but crap im drawn to jessica..and so eventhough i really wanted to stay where i was so that i could hide..no i went and sat with jessica..in the front..and my anxiety went through the roof..i was very scared and nervous and anxious..so so sooooooooooooooooo anxious..i was very close to having a full out panic attack..and i think that having the sides closed off really bothered me..it made the space seem so small and closed in..and i felt like i was just surrounded by people and that i wasnt safe..and well so on and so forth..just wasnt a comfortable experience for most of church today..and well a lot of the men were not in attendence because they had there confrence thing this weekend..and so it was like tons of women and children and the occansional guy..but no where near the number it usually is..but still i was freaking..and so elder spoke today..and i do like listening to her..i think its just something in her voice that draws me in..and holds me there..and well i find it so interesting that when she is up there she preaches with her eyes closed..i noticed that way back when she preached the first time one sunday..well the first time for me..and it was like holy cow her eyes are closed..and well of course i would notice that...haha..but yeah i pointed it out to her today..and she told me that she does do that and that she isnt good with eye contact and stuff and i was like yes..finally someone else who struggles with it and so i have no need to work on it..yeah irrational thoughts popping up really fast..but anyway..so she was preaching and i was just zoning in and out..thinking about what she was saying and mixing up things in my head..and wondering what it is that i want..and what it is that i believe..and i just kept thinking that i am so tired..im tired of fighting with myself..im tired of being sad..imm just tired of everything..and its so hard and i need help..that was my general line of thinking...which is a bit different than it usually is on a sunday during church..but somehow in the jist of all of my thinking and wonderings i got the bright idea to go up and get prayed for...which surprisingly didnt not raise my anxiety..i was scared yes..and incredibly nervous..but i was less anxious than i had been at the start of services..and so i waited..and kinda was having to talk myself up to it.because i was afraid of standing in front ..of like everyone..and when the time came i asked jessica if she would go with me..and well of course she did..she was more than happy to go..while i was a lot more reserved about the whole thing and still feeling nervous you know..but finally i followed her up to the front and completely stopped right at the end of the very first pew and was wondering if i really needed to go any farther..and jessica stood next to me for a second but then she moved around me and moved farther in front and had to motion for me to come and stand next to her..cas again i wasnt so sure about moving..but i got up there..and stood next to her..and had to work really hard to ignore that there were people standing behind me like just watching and so elder came over and i wasnt thinkking of changing my mind..heck i was already up there..might as well go through with it...but i was just afraid..and she asked me two questions..one was what do i want to be prayed for..something along those lines..to which i answered i dont want to die..i mean that is my biggest fear right now..that i will convince myself that its ok..that i really can find peace in death..so i told her that..and then she asked me if i was ready to give myself to god..and i did hesitate on that question..because i wasnt sure..i mean i dont know..i didnt know..but i shook my head yes after a few seconds..i mean again i had to think about a conversation that i had with her a few weeks ago..and she asked what did i have to lose by trying this..by asking god for help and accepting his help..i mean i have tried everything else havent i? what else is there left for me to try?? at the time of course i told her that i would think about it..and i have been thinking about it..i have been thinking about what she said and what lady says and what alisha has told me..and i think about what jessica has told me..and they all believe so fully..so completely..and i look at them and wonder what it is that i am missing..what it is that they are experiencing that i am just not a part of..and i dont understand..but yeah so i answered her questions and then she started to pray for me..and the thing is she had one hand on my forehead and one on my back..andn although it felt weird ..i mean it was ok..but i also had jessica on one side of me and someone else who stood in front of me that i wasnt able to place at the time..because she came later and i didnt see her..but i was prayed for with passion..and again my reaction was minimal..and for a bit i wondered if i had missed something..but i had to stop that and just accept it for what it was..i did feel comforted in some way...i felt quieter in my head..confused a bit also but it was about a different religion question.. and then i got lots of hugs from elder and jessica and alisha and a couple other ppl who names i dont remember at all..i feel bad for not knowing anyones name..i really do..but i was calmer.. jessica told me that she was proud of me..which embarrassed me...elder also told me that me going up to the front was a big step for me..and again i felt a bit embarrassed..like why are they so interested in me..both tell me that they love me..and i think there really is a part of me that just completely soaks up there positive praise and words and all of it..and i may appear to be embarrassed and quiet and all sorts of things..but i am hearing them..i may not understand it all..and i may wonder why..but i do soak it up..because i dont get that praise from anywhere else..its just church and well work sometimes...but outside of that its just not there..oh and linda..cant forget her..and so then i left and came home..but i wanted to write about today..im still going over it in my head..trying to work things out..trying to figure things out..hoping that i am somehow moving in the right direction..i have to believe that im moving in the right direction and that the outcome will be that i will not be afraid anymore.and that i will feel better and feel happier and not want to die..i also cant help but notice that the day i do go to the front for prayer the pastor is not there..the fear of him is a very real and tangible thing..i am afraid of him and i know it is not fair..it isnt..but i dont know what to do about it..

but yes well that was the jist of my morning..it wore me out..im tired...like sleepy tired..not weary tired..im feeling a little bit sick to my stomach and have a headache ..which may be med related..i really dont know..im just not feeling so hot...

my goal though is to work on a bit of paperwork later on tonight so i can get it turned in tomorrow morning and be on about my day..i want to get it done so that i dont have to worry about it anymore... i just want to turn something in you know..if i have to make corrections then i can do that..but gosh getting them in on time has been really bad...and with so many new meds being introduced next week..im gonna need all the advantage i can get...so for now im just laying down and maybe ill read a bit as i wait for my upset stomach to settle down..and maybe sneak in a nap..and then ill get up and completely do paperwork..thats the plan