IT IS NOT FAIR THAT BECAUSE OF MY CHILDHOOD I AM FORCED TO FIGHT AND STRUGGLE TO JUST GET THROUGH THE DIE WITHOUT HARMING MYSELF OR TRYING TO DIE. ITS NOT FAIR THAT I AM STUCK DEPENDING ON OTHERS BECAUSE I AM AFRAID TO TRUST MYSELF. ITS NOT FAIR THAT I DONT SEE MYSELF CLEARLY AND THAT MY OPINIONS OF MYSELF ARE SO WARPED AND DANGEROUS AND MESSED UP. ITS NOT FAIR THAT THE ONLY THING I CAN DO TO LET GO OF THE PAIN IS TO CUT AND BURN AND PURGE AND ANYTHING THT WILL HURT. I DONT KNOW HOW TO SPEAK UP FOR MYSELF. I DONT KNOW HOW TO SAY THAT I AM HURTING. I KNOW SILENCE, I KNOW HOW TO HURT AND NOT SAY A WORD. I KNOW HOW TO HIDE AND PRETEND AND BE IN CONTROL OF MYSELF. I DONT KNOW HOW TO LET GO OR ASK FOR HELP OR BE HEARD. I WANT ATTENTION AND I PUSH IT AWAY. I WANT CARING AND COMFORT AND INSTEAD I ISOLATE AND TELL MYSELF I NEED NOTHING AND NO ONE. ITS NOT FAIR THAT MY LIFE IS PASSING ME BUY AND I KEEP WATCHING AND WANTING BUT NOT FULLY ABLE TO BE IN IT..ITS NOT FAIR THE CARDS I HAVE BEEN DEALT IN LIFE. ITS NOT FAIR THAT I WASNT PROTECTED. THAT I WAS HURT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. ITS NOT FAIR THAT NO ONE SAW WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME. NO ONE NOTICED THAT I NEEDED HELP. THAT I NEEDED SOMETHING. NO ONE WAS THERE FOR ME. I WAS LEFT ALONE, I WAS BY MYSELF. MY SILENCE TRAPPED ME AND MY SELF HATE GREW AND GREW. NOW IM ASKED TO CONTAIN IT, TO STOP IT BUT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS JUST HOW BIG IT IS. HOW MASSIVE IT IS AND HOW EASILY IT TAKES OVER. I KNOW THE HATE. I KNOW THE SELF LOATHING, THE DISGUST, THE VOICES THAT TELL ME I AM NOTHING. I AM WORTH NOTHING. I WILL BE ALONE FOREVER. I HIDE BEHIND THE WORDS. I HIDE WITHIN THE WORDS. I HAVE ACCEPTED THOSE WORDS AS TRUTH. NOW IM TOLD THEY ARE NOT TRUE. THEY ARE LIES. THEY HURT ME THEY ALLOW ME TO HURT MYSELF. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO BREAK DOWN YEARS AND YEARS OF LIES AND HURT AND PAIN ? WHAT EXACTLY AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN IM NOT SURE OF WHAT I BELIEVE. I HAD PLANS. PLANS TO DIE. PLANS TO RUN AWAY. PLANS TO HIDE. PLANS TO NEVER NEVER SPEAK ABOUT MY PAST. NO ONE COULD KNOW. NO ONE WAS THERE TO HELP. I COULD MANAGE. I DID MANAGE. ALL IT TOOK WAS CAUSING A LITTLE BIT OF EXTRA PAIN AND I COULD GO THROUGH THE DAY. I COULD STOP THE THOUGHTS. I COULD QUIET MY MIND. I DIDNT SEE THAT I WAS DESTORYING MYSELF. WHY WOULD I SEE THAT WHEN I JUST WANTED TO DIE? I WAS NOTHING WORTH SAVING. I WAS NOT WORTH ANYONES TIME OR EFFORT. I DIDNT KNOW THAT ITS NOT OKAY TO HURT YOURSELF. MAYBE I DIDNT WANT TO KNOW IT. I MADE MYSELF BELIEVE IT WAS OKAY. THAT I WAS ONLY HURTING MYSELF AND NO ONE ELSE. I DONT MATTER, ITS OKAY IF I DIE. NO ONE WOULD MISS ME. NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. I HATE YOU. I HATE ME. I HATE EVERYTHING. I DONT WANT TO HURT. I DONT WANT TO FEEL SAD AND ALONE AND MISERABLE AND UPSET AND CRAZY. I DONT WANT TO BE LOOKED AT LIKE I AM CRAZY BECAUSE I HAVE SCARS THAT I CANT EXPLAIN. SCARS THAT I DONT WANT TO EXPLAIN. BECAUSE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. AND THEN PEOPLE ARE AFRAID. PEOPLE LOOK AT ME DIFFERENTLY. I AM BROKEN. I FEEL BROKEN. I FEEL TIRED. VERY VERY TIRED OF FIGHTING AGAINST MYSELF. TIRED OF FIGHTING EVERYONE ELSE FOR MY PEACE OF MIND. I GIVE UP. i just give up. its like having to start over isnt it. except i cant start over from the beginning. i really wish i could. i wish i could just take away all the years of hurt and pain and guilt and shame and fear and tears and wwords..there are so many words that i wish i could just take away and not have to hear..i wish i could have a family that loved me and wanted me and accepted me. i wish i could take away all the scars..both inside and outside. because i think im finally realizing what it is that i have been doing. i worked so hard to hide from the pain. the hurt. the fears. ive never been able to say i was abused. i was hurt. i was used. i was broken. i couldnt say that i was touched, or held down, or hurt. i couldnt admit that i wasnt able to say no or well im not completely sure if i remember saying no. i couldnt admit that maybe the affection that came with being hurt like that made me not resist as much..i believed i had to do it. i had to do what i was told. i had to be good. i had to do everything possible to be good and stay out of trouble. but trouble kept finding me. i stayed in trouble. i wasnt good enough. i was bad. i stole, i lied, i was awful. no matter how hard i tried it wasnt enough and i kept trying and kept thinking that i just needed to try harder. that there was just something about me that made me so awful and if i could just hurt that part of me then i would be good. i would be loved. i would be wanted and accepted. i am still trying to hurt the bad part of me. im trying to hurt all of me. i know the words now. i tell myself over and over and over just how awful and bad and messed up i am. i say i deserved it, i blame myself for my short comings. for things that happened. it was all my fault. i deserved it. i didnt follow directions. i didnt do what i was asked to do..why did i have to fight so much. until i stopped fighting and i believed everything i was being told. i had to fight the urge to defend myself. i had to stop reacting. i had to see that i was awful. i had to because then that made it okay. it made what happened ok. it didnt matter what i thought or wanted or anything. if i was told i was bad then i was. if i was in trouble for something then i had done it..i could empty my head..i did empty it because then there was all this extra space to take in all of it..all of the mean words, all of the hurt..i had to lock myself away from anything that gave me attention. i was locked away from myself because i couldnt deal with anything. i think that i am still locked away some where. maybe not as firmly as before..but still i am trying to protect myself from being hurt..from being used..i dont want to become any more broken..there is no more room in my head to deal with that..ive never been able to completely tap into the pain and hurt and fear. i go around it. i hide from it. i pretend its not there. and then i end up confused when someone else tells me that they hurt for me. that they are angry for me. why do they feel these things and i dont ? i dont understand why it is that no one agrees with me when i say i am just bad and awful. things that make sense to me do not make sense to other people. what i believe makes sense to no one but me..and it is rather easy for others to poke holes in my beliefs and tell me that it is not true. there has been safety, a very weird and warped sense of safety..but safety all the same with hiding within my dysfunction. i dont not walk around playing the victim but i tend to demand things from others that they may not be able to give..i transfer my feelings and needs onto people and then tend to drain them completely..i dont mean to but my ability to give and feel and all manners of positive relationship things are a bit messed up..i want from them but i dont want to give anything in return..i want my childhood back..i want parents. i want to feel protected and safe. sometimes im afraid that my desires will lead me to being in situations that i am not in control of. i end up pushing people away. isolating so much that no one knows me..i want to be forgotten and hate when i am forgotten. i want attention and hate when i have it. i want to be touched in a lot of different ways but will only accept hugs from some people..i have to remind myself that i am not going to be hurt. that im not going to be expected to do anything in return..i still become afraid though. im afraid of people who hold power over me. im afraid of men in general..and have recently been told that its not fair to group all men in one category..i can be polite and speak when im expected to but then i shut down. im really good at shutting down. im good at disappearing into my head and just not being present..if i am afraid. or scared or sad. my need to be in control of myself is so strong that i cannot break for anyone..i cannot let anyone see me vulnerable because that causes me to feel anxious and scared and i tend to do not so good things when im feeling exposed in some way. things are never about me..never about what i want..or need..its about what others need from me..what others want from me..what others have to say about me..how others see me..how am i supposed to know who i am when ive never mattered enough to figure it out..
this is different. this feels different. writing this. im not upset anymore..sad yes. but not dangerous sad..just sad. i think the part of all of this that i have missed..like the whole healing/recovery scope of things..is that i have to feel all of this..i have to feel it and acknowledge it to be able to let it go..and maybe the goal is that each time it will be easier..that each time it will hurt a little bit less..that each time ill be able to pick up the broken parts and let them fit back together..i have to acknowledge the hurt and all of that instead of ignoring it and pretending it is not there..i have to feel it inorder to be able to move past it..the build up of all of it is not going to magically go away..i may really it to be like that..but its not going to work like that. and i will stay where im at..neither moving forward or backwards. im not completely sure what to do with all of the feelings/emotions/thoughts..im afraid i wont be able to handle them..and i guess that is where the support thing comes in..i have to be to ask for support and help and encouragement..and i have to know that it is okay to ask for those things..i also have to come to terms with the fact that this isnt going to change over night..oh i really really want it to..but i have to be honest and know that its not going to happen that way..i have been really worried about not being able to deal with all of this..all of the past stuff..all of the emotions and feelings that come with all of the past stuff..but i can deal with it or not but all of it is still there..and it will come out eventually in some form or fashion..and if im not ready to deal with it then i will die..or go crazy..well crazier..but its like i have to prepare for what will come and what will happen..i guess thats the goal of like therapy and everything..to be able to figure out how to deal with all of this stuff without it becoming so overwhelming and consuming and not letting it completely destroy me..not letting it destroy me anymore..which also means that i have to keep letting linda help and well let her know that i do need help..is this what it feels like when you have to reach that place that lets you know that you really cant do this on your own? i do feel a bit dejected..defeated in a way..like i tried for so long to keep it together..to show that i could manage..and in that i think i was refusing everyones help..oh i would go to them to talk to them and hear what they had to stay..but i think i still thought i was supposed to do it on my own..and being told that the choices were up to me..that i had to decide didnt help matters at all..but maybe that was just my mind twisting things around..there is a difference in accepting help and assistance and guidance..i still have to make the decision to do whatever it is that i am going to do..but i dont have to stand there alone ..its not me against everyone else..its sorta me and the people who support me against the hurts that have caused me to develop some not so great habits and behaviors and coping stuff...i hadnt been able to fully accept that doing this alone was not going to work..and i tried..i tried really hard to prove that i was managing and in control..and i probably would have managed alone until i did end up killing myself in some misguided attempt to find relief..i dont want to die..and not dying is a daily battle that i will have to deal with until i can manage to not feel that i need it anymore.slipping up doesnt mean that i have failed..it doesnt mean that i am have to start over again..it is what it is (omg linda is in my head gosh darnit)..it wouldnt be fair to not know that there will be slip ups and prolly a lot of them..but the important thing is being able to move past them and not go backwards because of them..
im feeling very drained right now..tired..but oddly calm..im not afraid..i want to take a nap though..a long long nap..i hadnt planned to write all of this..but my head had other plans obviously..im not sure right now what it is that i am thinking. maybe im all thought out for the day..yes.. i think that i am all thought out..
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