something is wrong...something is bothering me...im upset and sad and confused and i dont know what i want to do to myself..i want to hurt and cry and scream and yell and just run away..im so so overwhelmed right now..and im just struggling..i dont know what to do..i dont know what i want..i do know what i want..i want attention..i want someone to pay attention to me..i want to know what im cared for..loved..im feeling alone..no im feeling bad aboout myself..
i dont know what i want to do..i dont seem to know a lot today..im feeling very sad and quiet and upset...
i was thinking this morning that my family is ashamed of me..and my problems..im the screw up..im the one that cant deal wit hthings and so i just slip through and no one really notices..no one can know about my issues or anything like that..dont talk about it..dont bring it up..hide the scars..no one can know just how messed up i am..and so maybe im not messed up..maybe this is all just some stupid game and im perfectly sane and there is nothing wrong with me..and somehow this is all just so very wrong..mommy is pushing for us to have a family get together this weekend...on sunday...the problem is i dont want to see her..i dont want to be around her..im afraid that i will see her and that she will just point out everything that is wrong with me..tell me how much i need to fix about myself..demand to see what ive done to myself..she will kill me if she finds out im cutting again...wth :(
i wondered yesterday during the class im taking what was wrong with me...am i not screwed up enough to need help? to need support?? i havent been in and out of hospitals..i havent tried to really kill myself..maybe i am not sick ?? i am not crazy? i dont fit in anywhere..im not crazy enough to need the hospital..im not crazy enough to be in crisis all the time..im not anything.. im just broken and lost and nothing..absolutely nothing ..
what do i have to do to prove i need help? to prove that there is something wrong with me ?
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