a bit confused

i dont know why i was thinking about the whole protection thing and me tonight..but normally when i think of it i guess im slightly annoyed that other ppl feel the need to protect me..and its not often at all but the select few are still there..but when i think about it i guess it just kills that level of control i try so hard to keep because someone is seeing something there i dont want to be noticed..some frality that needs to be watched and kept safe..but im not thinking about that right now..its like a complete turn arouond because some where in my warped mind i found out that there is a part of me that wants to be protected more than anything else..its a really deep feeling and completely hard to explain and i think it more of a bother now because im thinking i dont want to be protected and i do but its not being done in the way i want it to be..ok that just sounds really confusing..but i really cant explain where the drive comes from because i do know what i want and i know where i want it to come from but its just getting it that would be a problem..that i dont know how to do..and so it all just makes me more confused because i cant seem to figure it out..maybe its one of those i know what it is and just cant admit it because i do have a lot of those floating around also..

hmm

ok enough on that before i depress myself anymore .. went and got my check today..got no apology from linda and only got an apology from jon about not calling because i brought it up first and told him i would have appreciated the call..my address was fixed in the computer now and i can understand why it didnt end up getting overnighted to me..but it still upset me and i got the feeling it didint matter to them at all..im jstu a lowly counselor and i dont matter .. and of all the excuses to use he told me he didnt have my number..what the hell kind of excuse is that because i can pull up my number on those computers in the office since i know how to get into all the paperwork because of being stuck in the office over the summer..i know where my file is kept paperwise in the office and he had the nerve to tell me he didnt know my number?! jim has my number and he was there all day yesterday and he could have been asked and he wasnt and it annoys me that jon thinks im that stupid..it really does..i decided im going to ask linda next week to have a talk so i can let her know im not coming back and why..i have to do that..i have to make myself do that and i cant put it off because then ill lose my resolve and not do anything..i have to get it done next week..it also means i have to start packing my apartment up and figure out when ill be moving home completely..it means looking for another job in the next few weeks and figuring out how far it is i want to drive to get to it..and all the other little stuff stuck in there that i have to do in the next month or so..lots of stress..lots of worrying..i think im ready to drive myself crazy now..