fun fun fun

ok maybe not so much fun as that right now i dont have a care in the world and im not sure i really care...for the record drinking is bad yes i know but im not driving im sitting in my apartment doing absolultely nothing and so the dsay ended on a really really bad note and it was either cut or drink..not sure which is better but god drinking at least takes me no where..i dont hurt im not scared and i no longer want to cry..i broke the biggest rule ever and im not sure i care..and i havent eaten enough today because 2 drinks and couple shots later im already so close to going away and drifting into oblivion where nothing hurts anymore and the mess i find myself in doesnt matter either..god its been so long since ive had a drink like months and so im not concerned but hmm ok ill be concered in the morning but for now its like make it stop make it all go away and i dont care how it happens..and now on to nonsense cas thats all i care about..hmm i have a really fuzzy disoriented feeling right now..everything is funny no matter how stupid and i think dusti is annoyed that im talking to myself so much..looking at the computer screen makes me see the everything in a far off way..its takes a minute for my eyes to really focus and zero in on what im looking at..not that i mind.its just funny for now ..i should be worried i guess since i juts want to pass out so ill just sleep..ive never passed out before though..suddenly im really talkative and the funny thing is i really dont like the taste of vodka at all..and the drinks i made well one have vodka in them and two arent mixed well but they are strong and i can taste the alcohol and i hate that..but to reach my goal i have to drink and drink fast and then ill crash and i wont care anymore..suddenly i want to talk to everyone and no one..i want to dance and party and forget about everything ..but unfortunatley im stuck in my apartment and im so giggly when im drunk its not even funny..its like focus finsih this and then just disapear and suddenly ive forgottne how to spell ..and yet my mind is blissfully clear and empty not counting my millions of misspelled words :) im such a dork ok something seriuous hmm tomorrow is a national holiday and i forgot i freaking forget and no check and everything will bounce and i should be supset i should be mad and pissed off and i was earlier almost made it to tears whem mommy pointed out everything was closed tomorrow and its like i want to swear and swear and scream everything is screwing up and i cant fix it and its not my fucking fault this time its not everything will bounce because low and behold theres a dollar in the bank and my check hasnt fucking turned up..ok im done being serious because its killing my buzz and i want to keep it for a little longer..imn ot sure i can sit still for such longer since im just at the drinking point of being a bit fuzzy and out of it. and now im jstu rambling and talking about nothing and i guess im done for now...god let me pass out soon so this day will be over with