last few days

rather disjointed a bit...

i would pay to meet beth hart..i really would and it really does suck that she is touring in denmark/holland and im not even close enough to pretend i could go to a concert! i gave in an ordered the born cd though and it should be here next week sometime. that does make me a little bit happy because It hurts is my favoritest song for right now and the video makes me want to cry but it was done very nicely. it is really rather cool finding more music i can relate to and its is a bit odd i guess how often it is i end up liking music and singers from ppl on the other side of the world because it is a little bit hard getting ahold of some of the cds i want...and they are expensive as imports good grief!!

today was mommys birthday and i called to say happy birthday..i got her a card that i havent mailed yet but she is out of town and i didnt forget it..i just put off going to the post office for some reason because i have a few things i need to get mailed but for seom reason going and actually mailing them worrying me..

the past couple days jim stayed with me..for him it was to get away from c amp and all that has been going on since his car isnt working now..and i really dont mind him being here or hanging out with him (although now he knows i watch "I want to look like a hs cheerleader and im afraid i wont be living that one down!) and we have fun together and it really is funny how much we can laugh at each other ..we act like a married couple so much its funny..but we have talked a lot about what happened and the meetings and how we each got mostly the same questions and how we answered and what we thought..we talked about staying and going..the differences between the semesters and how things are going downhill so fast..it makes me sad that the manager is messing up what could be a good program..i dont know how long it will last..it makes me sad that i wanted to stay and now i dont want to anymore..i didnt think i would ever leave talisman and now its all i can do to make myself go back to work on sunday and last for 3 days..my feelings are beyond hurt right now and i cant believe they would make it seem like i dont know what im doing or would do something to intentionally hurt those kids..i dont like that they got one side of a story and decided that it was right and then accuse not ask me what happened..i cant believe they have such a low opinion of me after i have been there for a year and a half..i do everything im asked to do without complaining and this is how im repaid..it sucks because the meeting wouldnt have been so bad if i had had warning or known before it happened that they had questions or maybe they could have pointed out that we were dooing things the wrong way or something.but it didnt happen like that and it was just having all of this stuff thrown at me all at once was really really overwhelming and after a while i was just to mad and upset to really get all of it..god i dont cry often but i spent most of that day crying because it was like being attacked without warning...i couldnt be with my group and i wanted nothing to do with camp and it was hard being stuck there and unable to leave..and then having one of my campers tell another counselor she hated me just pushed everything over the edge..jim sent me away for dinner because i really was about to start crying again..and then even when i went back it was all i could do not to just scream at them all to leave me alone..i didnt accept the apology the camper gave and pretty much refused to talk to her for the rest of the night..maybe that was being childish on my part i dont know..all i know is that was a bad day to have her say that and i just couldnt do it again..because its not the first time she has made that comment and its not the first time she has tried to take it back...and if i wanted to mean i could have pointed out that im the one when im working dealing with her wet clothes and constantly getting them washed and dried..i would have pointed out how many times she has been disrespectful and how many times ive talked to her one on one about a lot of different things and i didnt..i didnt bring any of it up and i just ignored her..jim talked to them all about how saying things and then trying to take it back isnt the easiest thing in the world to do..i wasnt there and when i came back some of them tried hard to make me feel better..a lot of them told me they liked me and liked that i was working with them..but my mood was shot and almost didnt care..it helped but i was past trying to process anything else..all i wanted was to go home and forget about all of it..and having jim come home with me and us talking about all of it helped..but now im alone and all of it just makes me really sad and all the hurt just comes back..im still not getting why i wasnt told before this they thought we were doing something wrong and it needed to be fixed or worked on..i was under the impression we were fine and doing a good job but obvisously not and now its like being in all this trouble and not knowing how to deal with it...and it hurts that the person that gave all this info never talked to us about it..never said anything..and now all these accusations are coming up and its like we are being watched all the time and she is giving reports on what we are doing..now everything is just piling on and its hard to break things apart and even try to figure it all out..i got a letter the day i left and it was an apology kinda..but jim didnt get one and its hard to figure out why they are trying to put us against each other..i dont get why they think he is talking me into things?! i may be quiet but im not stupid..i can tell jim when i think something wont work or when i dont like an idea..i think i have been here long enough to know what works for me and what doesnt..and at every turn now we are being undermined and pushed aside and its not fair..i dont really know what im supposed to be doing..we are leaving for our last trip the first week in dec and i dont want to go because now its like the teachers assistant is only coming to watch us and make sure we are doing things by the book..its like fine i wont do anything not on the schedule..ill cook the food left out because everything else is locked and we couldnt change anything anyway..ill live by the stupid schedule and wont do anything else fun ever again..the weekends was all the freedom we had left and now even that has been taken away..so everything will be by the book now..no more asking the kids what they want to do or what they would like to do..no more getting there thoughts on things because we dont do that..how are these kids supposed to learn anything when they arent asked?? and now we arent even allowed to do that anymore..and nothing we did was ever done to undermine the program it was done to figure out what the kids wanted and what worked..and now its said that doing that is wrong because they dont care about what the kids want..and for the kids returning the ones who we have seen grow and come back to the program..what will happen to them now..i know other ppl can work with them but jim and i started with them..we know some of those kids so well and can see how much they are improving..and now its like ill never see them again if i leave..but im not sure i want stay..i dont want to stay..but im afraid to leave too..i know i have a job no matter how annoying it is right now..but i dont want to be kept on because they have no choice and because they dont have enough ppl to work..how can they talk about expanding the program and adding on more groups when they cant even keep the people they have now? half the staff isnt planning on returning..there will be no teacher, no asst manager..no one to pick up all the slack from the boss and run the program because he isnt doing what he needs to do..i know whats not working in the program and no one has taken the time to ask what those are..between last semester and this one no one has asked what i thought or what i would change..but during the training it was heavily implied that we had been asked..and that we the returners were fine with all the changes and add ons..and it was like no we werent but ok fine..i was more optimistic than jim at the beginning..i was giving them benefit of the doubt that things would be better..things would work better and jon would actually follow through with all of his promises..well it hasnt worked out that way..once again we are left hanging as staff..we are the ones still breaking the news to kids about things that have been promised and then fallen through because jon said one thing to them and something else to their parents..i dont trust him anymore..i have all of these things i would have liked to have brought up in that meeting but i wasnt thinking about any of it because all these different things were being thrown at me and i couldnt figure it all out and give answers too..i drew a blank on a lot of things that would have had liked to say and didnt because my brain was on overload and i was trying not to cry and trying to be open and listen to all of it..and i wouldnt feel comfortable leaving without telling them exactly why..but to do that i would have to sit down and get it all written so i dont get sidetracked or off topic..otherwise ill forget or leave something out..

its pretty much been decided i guess..im going home whether i want to or not im going home by the 1st of the year..dusti is going to be stuck there too and yes mommy puts up with her but mommy doesnt like her and it drives me crazy because them im just being yelled at for even more stuff than usual..there is only so much that can be done with a littler box..everything in me says no to going home and to just find a job here and stay up here..but being as realistic as i can be i know that wont work..im behind in just about everything and im not making enough to do all of it right now..going home and saving is the smart thing to do and still that brings me no joy or peacefulness at all because im to worried about all of it..i wonder if this counts as a crisis yet? you know the thing i was told to go back to therapy to avoid..fun fun fun..gotta love not being able to afford to do anything...now im just waiting...waiting to go back to work..waiting to find out for sure if im even wanted back next semester..waiting to see if ill need to start packing..just waiting for all of it..and in all of it staying safe just doesnt seem that important..because if i show up for work and do my job then whats wrong with anything else i happen to be doing?