jumbled mess

my head is once again filled to the cracking point and all i could think of was writing..the urge to cut has been driven away i guess because of the dull ache in my arm from earlier..as much as i hate blaming my scars on dusti these do kinda look like something clawed me..they are deeper than ive done in a while and for a brief second i really wanted new razors..because i knew with a new one i could get it to go deeper a lot faster and easier..doesnt seem so bad if it can be seen as being accidental in a purposeful sort of way..hmm yea that makes a lot of sense..god im trying to be as honest as possible and its hard..given im more honest here in my wonderfully time consuming blog than almost anywhere else because its easier to write than talk..i have over 700 posts in here and i can count on both hands the times ive reread anything ive written..cant do it..i dont want to actually see just how crazy i can get or how something that scared me got put into words to be saved forever..or even how something stupid ive done actually got wrote about..why for the life of me would anyone want to read about my adventures of walking into parked cars or going to gay bars..or giving dusti a bath cas that was funny as heck and im sure ill never ever forget the little drowned looking rat giving me evil looks for the rest of the night until she forgave me..but ive been good and my boredom hasnt gotten the best of me yet..maybe this is my own way of remembering some of the little things and some of the big things too..i guess if i took the time to read it i would gain a lot of forgotten things..but im not sure i want that .. im feeling a bit depressed right now..and really tired too..alone and forgotten and ok im feeling a lot of things..but im not hungover anymore..im still laying on the floor for lack of anywhere else to sit and my day has passed in a blur of pain and anxiety..and only know do i start realizing im getting depressed..like hide for a few days and forget the world exists kinda thing..i want to say its been a while since ive been like this but its been happening more often .. it doesnt last long buts its more often than it has been these past few weeks..a lot has been going on and cutting is back in the picture a lot..been thinking about burning again but havent done it..cant say im playing with my food when there is almost nothing to eat in the house..but all the old things are way more prominent again and im just a little worried because things wont get less stressed from here on out..it will just be more stress and more worried and just more of everything..i emailed one of my teachers and we are going to have lunch when im at home again..well when im at home and decide to make the 2 hour drive up to ecu..and until we figured out a date i didnt realized i missed talking to her so much..i didnt realize i missed talking to everyone i guess..kinda hard to explain who im missing but the bottom line i suppose is im missing talking or half talking or pretending to talk or how ever i want to describe my uh lack of forming meaningful sentences in the company of a teacher or doctor..i could be a pain in the butt when i wanted to be and even if it might have been unintentional i still did it..and now its just me and the only person i really talk to is jim and thats not the kind of talking i really need..yes im smart enough to know it and yes im equally dumb enough to be able to do anything about it..i wonder when things really started to change..i still have a million different little issues that add up to be big things but its different now..im still quiet and stuff but its not the same as when i first started college i guess..maybe ive grown some..i dont know..its like things arent as hopeless overall maybe..right now not included because things are pretty miserable and to top it all off i got a notice about my rent today and now i have to tell them im moving out and im sorry but i refuse to pay a extra 150 for rent if im leaving..not gonna happen...found out where my check was and i have to go and get tomorrow..so much for it being overnighted to me..do i regret leaving? i dont know..it makes me sad leaving..it makes me sad knowing i wont see any of these kids again..i wont get to talk to them or laugh with them or be completely annoyed by them..it makes me sad that im losing a really safe place..well at one point it was a really safe place and now im not so sure anymore..i like the area and for as much as i complain i enjoyed the hikes..mommy is already planning my personal fitness plan for when im at home again..might as well juts stop eating and get it over with..but no i guess i dont regret leaving but it still makes me nervous..i wonder if ill come back..i wonder if ill ever work in this company again..and the fact that my paycheck wasnt written really puts a damper on things..im not pleased at all about it..and not to mention my boss didnt even call me when they got it.jim called and let me know it was there and that jon was going to be calling me..well i waited and waited and waited and no phone..lot of respect on that one..it hurts my feelings that the whole thing can be dismissed that quickly and im guessing he got his damn check so it was nothing to worry about..im begging for one more day on bills and just hoping that ill be able to get to the bank tomorrow before anything goes in..i hope i can..if not ill cry in the morning and swear or something..ill work hard not to let my anxiety get the best of me and not cut..my arm is going to be sore enough for the rest of the week i dont want to make it any worse..on a completely different subject ive accidentally gotten caught up in a few good stories and they are really good but for some reason they always end up with one character being hurt and the other one helping or for falling in love with them or something along those lines..you know it really sucks when no one believes the one thats been hurt..and i could never ever ever chose a husband or wife over my kids if it was about abuse.not a chance in hell would that happen..but then im not having kids ..maybe ill juts have to stick up for the ones that are already here..but to do that i guess somewhere along the way i would have to grow a backbone first..because its not that i dont get angry or want to scream or make my point about something..its just that i dont let that show at all..hmm guess thats all