ramble

im not feeling good today at all..maybe a stomach bug or something but for now im feeling rather miserable and sick..

went to see martian child today and it was a good movie..sad but it had a happy ending at least..and now i really want to see the movie coming out on the 21st..august rush..it looks really good..

for some odd reason today i was thinking about why it was i had to get forced into dancing for forever and didnt get the option to do other things..and then i try to remember what were all the things i had to do and it was a lot..and for the things i didnt have to do i wonder why some were picked and some werent..i had to do dance but hated preforming..but i loved going and watching the competitions ..i miss it though..cant ever really do it again i guess but i miss it in a weird way..i did band and played the flute..but never had to play sports with my brothers and sisters..i had to do pageants and i guess i cant complain..i was never good enough to win..i got so jealous of nia because she always won and i never did..but then i balked at all the attention and ended up hating it more...i hated that all our weekends were spent going to parades and supporting her when i didnt want to do it..did baton for a while and was ok at it i guess..i dont think i ever really showed much interest in to many things and stopping anything i was expected to do was just a flatout no..every year i asked to stop dancing and never was allowed too..and i was thinking today how much i think singing..but again the whole attention thing kinda kills it..but singing seriously is an outlet..i really only sing for myself i guess..wouldnt really want someone else telling me i suck horribly..that would take the fun out of it..

feeling a bit depressed right now..its been a while since i have thought about the adoption thing and the movie i went to see today just brought it up again and its really hard i guess..trying to figure out why it was i hiad to be adopted anyway..there are so many questions floating around in my head about whether my real parents know anything about me or what happened to my sister..did they look for me at all or ever plan on finding me ..except i went from one to the other and still im not wanted..do ppl even really know that ppl are paid to adopt kids..its done in a way that it is to help out with the extra kids..but putting it in the simplest terms ever..parents are paid to adopt kids..ever so often i think that im going to be stuck for forever paying mommy back for keeping me..doesnt that seem awfully sad and depressing? i have to pay for all of the stupid things ive done and trouble ive caused..its gonna take a long long long time to make up for all my reasoning behind why i consider it a good idea to keep adding scars to my arms and legs and where ever else i decide too..hmm changing the subject..is it a good thing to be like everyone else? is it good to be seen as normal? for as much as i try to fit in its always like i fail miserably because i seem incapable of acting my age.because im afraid of always being in trouble and even now it feels like im in trouble and that i have to prove once again that im good enough..good enough to just on the sidelines and be allowed to watch everyone else..i consider all that jim tells me about myself..i dont ask but it does come up sometimes and he just tells me im strong and independent and i have good work ethic and that he is glad he got to work with me again..i do want to believe him..but i still wonder why he would say those things when ive done nothing to deserve it..i dont want to go back to work tomorrow but im glad my group is leaving for 10 days and i wont have to see them..and thne it will be almost thanksgiving and they will get to go home and then it will be like 3 weeks left before they go home for good...