whats going on ???

I really really wish i had a simple and straight forward answer for what is going on...so much is going on...so many things that are having to change by force really and i dont like it..i try not to shut down but i do...ive been very very close to cutting lately...and i did the ultimate no-no and went and got razors...the ones i like..the ones i prefer to use..im not angry with myself for getting them though..just sad that my thinking and how i am feeling has gone backwards so much right now...that im thinking its ok to hurt myself juts for the release..for the break..so that i can breathe just a little bit easier...its not a want..its punishment..for messing up..for getting to this place both physically and mentally...for feeling like i really truly have screwed everything up and that there really is no hope that things will get better...I know where they are, I havent opened them, or used them...i just have them...

but i guess maybe i should explain things a little bit better .. heck maybe ill even make a list..ugh

well the holidays were a big trigger..going home..being around my mom..knowing that if i wasnt careful that i would be told i wasnt good enough..being at home and still not feeling as if i am at home..im juts some place where my family happens to be..and it is more so at christmas and that small bit of time in aug/july..where i realize that my biological family is dead..my sister is dead..my parents if they are still alive..the biological ones..dont know me..and so in a sense they are juts as dead to me as my sister is...during the holidays i spend my time confirming for my mom that i am happy..that i like being at home..that i got what i wanted..and in return..i get yelled at and watched like a hawk ..and for the life of me i dont know why she hates me so much...i do everything to let her know that i am so very happy to be at home and that she is a great parent and blah blah blah..and what i get in return is a lecture about what i need to do to fix myself ..how to be better..to do better ..to be just more than me..i dont have to explain anymore to alice why i feel so badly around christmas...but to everyone else (minus a couple ppl)..i am happy and excited and going home and seeing family and everything that i am supposed to do...everything that i dont want to do...so yes..my sadness that hangs over my all the time doesnt go away..it gets worse..and no one sees it...

but the holidays are over now..and that does make me happy..but my cloud of darkness just seems to get darker ...

in less than two weeks now..i am looking at being evicted..going to court and everything..one of the few things that scares me senseless is having to go to court..i dont care what the reason is for.just being in court makes me so anxious ..to the point of being sick..and im going to court..i have to..even if it is juts to manage to get a couple extra days in my apartment..that i have to have packed up between now and then...that i have to be prepared to move to storage between now and then...which then means i need to get paid so that i can get a storage..find a place to stay if the other apartment isnt ready..the worry doesnt go away..the fear and just wanting to give up doesnt go away..every since i lost my other job in sept ..i have done everything i can to hang on to my apartment..and i just cant afford it anymore...right now i juts cant afford anything at all and im afraid..because my ability to ask for help is still not that great...im facing possibly being homeless in two weeks and have no idea how to make it better..except for winning the lottery maybe..but realistically..i could be my own client right now..trapped in a no win situation..owing money to everyone and not having enough to live on..i tried..i did everything i could..i borrowed, begged, pleaded..and still couldnt stay caught up..and now because i am even stupider .. i didnt get paid this pay period...and so as i realize that i have once again screwed things up..my frame of mind is just not in a good place.. there is to much to do and not enough time to do it in...pretty much i will most likely spend next weekend packing and crying and doing who knows what..maybe hiding and sleeping..

and the world goes on..the world keeps moving..and i go to work and dont turn in my stupid paperwork because things are so hectic outside of work that paperwork is the last thing on my mind..but i have no choice really..and i know that..im not complaining about my check being held...yes it was stupid on my part..yyes i deserved it..but in the end i will get it...preferably next week..ive been trying to work on notes and stuff today and im not feeling good...i want to lay down but it makes me feel sick..i want to sit up but that just makes me want to lay down again..i cant ask mommy for money ..so of course now it is a battle to see about keeping the cats fed at least..and gas in my car so i can go to work and pretend that my world isnt crumbling at my feet...because no one cares..outside of my mom and sister..only alice, sarah and roxanne know just what it is that i am facing...and there is a time frame now attached to alice..as im pretty sure i will be stopping therapy soon..

if i cut ..i will have wasted all the work i did in the past year...yes i understand set backs, mistakes, one thing doesnt ruin everything else..but sometimes i am still ashamed of my scars..the ones i have put on my body..and that is pretty much all of them...crap im pretty sure i could easily get a one way ticket to the hospital psych ward..but what would that help??? my stuff and my apartment would still have to be packed up..i would still have to move...i would just be forced to allow someone else to do it for me ..and that i dont think i want...some things are juts not for other ppl to see...so that is not a real option... and i right back to where i started...looking at my apartment and the overwhelming task in front of me...in the next week..because really thats all i have..i cant kid myself and think i have more time..i cant make anyone give me more time...and im pretty sure not paying my rent means i need to leave..and i dont want to go to court..have i mentioned that yet?? crap ill take the stupid judgement and some how work on paying it off..but going to court makes me feel like im going to be yelled at for messing up..and its one of those things that i want to go to alone so that no one will be there to see me cry..juts incase i cant keep myself under control...and on the other hand..i guess i have some idea of what i am walking into..and so there is no point in crying about it anymore..

im tired of crying..im tired of everything..im tired of being strong and capable and whatever else it is that i need to be..when will i be able to call it quits?  give up?? stop fighting?? stop fighting with myself...stop fighting with the world..just i want a break..i really do..and im not going to cry while writing this..im just not..

in the midst of all of this..the one high point in all of it is that sarah is in the picture..the one person i can be around and not feel completely scared and anxious..i can ignore the rest of the world when i am with her..and without her i am just sad and lonely..things really have changed alot since we started talking way back in aug..i have to remember that it is 2014...so everything is past tense..except being evicted...that is actually a 2014 happening... but anyway..met her in august..and after a lot and i do mean a lot of talking and hanging out and everything..we started dating in nov...and then things kinda just took whatever course they were going to take because now..now there arent really any words to describe where the relationship is at..it scares me and makes me happy at the same time..i want things i never thought i would want..and past things are making me doubt what i want ..and how i feel..and im embarrassed i guess...at how easily i slipped away from not wanting anything at all..to wanting everything and then some...aand it still takes me a while but i am trying to ask her for what i want in certain situations...fear and shame are still getting me though..filling my head with old thoughts and things ive been told in the past..it sucks..that i actually have a real shot at finding happiness and accepetance..and im still trying to analyze the crap out of it...i dont want to do that...i work hard to juts enjoy when im with her..because i know that at some point she has to go home..and then i just become the crying needy dork who doesnt know what she wants and cant seem to let go...

i dont know..maybe its the depression talking..i would like to say that im normally not this negative..but thats not true...i havent outwardly been this negative in a good while...but old habits die hard..and right now..negative and mean and hateful are the ways that i am viewing myself...but i would never view anyone else like that...that would be hurtful to them..but i cant say that about myself...no..i guess this has just been the trickle down effect..things that are bound to happen and there is no way to stop them...i can accept i guess that i will destroy myself ...ive been trying for years..what makes now so much different?? but i had stopped trying..with alice and courtney..i told them what was going on..i did..and they helped...but now i am slowly pulling back from them..i know i am..because at some point soon i will be again forced to say goodbye to alice..and only see courtney every once in a while for med refills...there is no point in telling them anything else anymore...and so again..i fall into acceptance of things that i have no control over...but i can completely control just how mean i am being to myself..and that has no limits at the moment...so my list is long and intricate ...

this is what happens when you start to think things are ok..and that things are manageable...then the real world finds you and breaks you in half and then leaves you to die...i guess im just waiting for the "and then you die' part..but that would make sarah sad..and i dont want her to be sad...

back to very quietly walking that fine line between ok and not okay...and the further i walk..the more i end up on the not okay side...but i am good at pretending ... i can pretend to be okay until i die...until i have to pretend though..i guess ill be hiding at home..until tomorrow anyway ..when i have to go to work ... i can fake some happiness right ? i can at least fake neutral if nothing else..

oh i didnt bother with making a new years resolution this year...i see no point to it..and i dont need the extra ammo at my disposal when i fail at that too..

i guess that is all i have to say...my head is tired..and i really am trying not to cry...but thankfully taji and bounce keep my secrets for me..