i have no words...

i have no words left... i have managed to burn the last bridge i had i guess..and now i am paying for what i did...maybe im not cut out to be with anyone at all...maybe i should have kept myself alone..but i didnt..i tried..and i lied, and i failed..and now i dont know what to do..waiting, hoping, prraying..but im not sure for what..god has never answered me before...so instead i choose silence...complete and utter silence...throw myself into work..so i dont have to think and hurt...pack..sleep..and get through the day...i can feel it more acutely than ever before...the lonliness, the emptiness...the need to numb out..to not think..to sleep..my thoughts have already entered into the black hole..what is left for me exactly ?? i told her i would wait..give her space..let her figure out what she wanted..and i will live with her answer..im afraid i will lose her...and i guess i will have to wait and see...back to square one..back to being alone all the time..how easy it is to lose everything at the drop of a hat...the guilt was eating at me..and so i told her ...after lying about it..and it was a physical seperation that happened...she pulled away..and i cried like an idiot..hoping for what? a second chance?  forgivness?  any glimmer of hope that things arent over...she asked to go home, and let me know that she wouldnt be coming over again for a long while..that she wasnt sure about living together...and the fear has set in again..what is going to happen to me exactly..but i guess i will find out on monday..one way or another i will find out..and then i will have to figure out what to do..where to go..suddenly being alone hurts so much more than before..i feel sick..all day ive felt sick...and i think im gonna stay off of fb for a bit...i dont know what to do..im hurting and dont know what to do..i hurt her..after i told her over and over that i wouldnt hurt her..and i did..so many thoughts..and soon everyone will hate me..and i cant blame them...i really cant

im horrible
i remember now
im not meant to form any relationship with anyone
cas i mess it up
i break it up
and end up alone in the end...

trying to remember to breath..trying to remember that i am alive..but all i can think about and feel is the emptiness that is my heart..and what i need to do inorder to make it go away for a little while...

acting on impulse is never good..but since rational thought has left me..i guess impulsive thinking it is...

now...now i am broken