my mind is all over the place this morning and im finally giving in and writing ...i cant think clearly and its making the depression worse...am i doing the right thing..will i be able to manage...what in the hell is going to happen to me?? i just want to sit and cry and just i dont know go away. im trying my hardest to be strong but i am afraid..im scared and lonely..and being in the hotel alone makes me feel awful...yes i have tv and internet..but i dont feel safe here..i have the door locked and i know no one can get in ..but its bigger than that..its really important for me to feel safe and at a hotel..alone..i juts dont..and i have no choice right now..so i wont complain anymore to anyone..ill keep my thoughts to myself..but it feels as if everything inside of me is breaking ..and there is no way for me to put any of it back together..im afraid to leave the hotel..im afraid to stay..i worry that taji is not doing well..and i just dont know what to do anymore...
i know i need to go back the the apartment and clean up and what not...but im afraid again of leaving the cats for to long by themselves..i know they will be ok ..but the fear is still there...im afraid that someone will open the door and they will get out ..and i wont be able to find them...i dont want to lock them in the room..but that would mean i have to stay in the room until housekeeping comes by..i guess..i dont know..to make sure no one will open the door after wards..and its not as if i need housekeeping anyway really...
i think my fears are juts getting to that overwhelming point..and im just struggling to maintain...and i only have nia and sarah to talk to really...mommy said no one else should know..that would be bad..who would i tell anyway??? but again ..my failure is a secret..my inability to care for myself is a secret...and in the process of moving things..i did find and bring my razors with me...
im not feeling good these days..coughing..and tired..and sad...always sad ..
i keep thinking about wanting to go home...thats all i want..but then i have to remind myself that i no longer have a home...that im juts out here in the world and there really isnt any help for anything...
i just suck and i know it..and i need to get better at hiding it...
the office person told me yesterday in an email that she is worried about me..and i didnt know how to respond so i havent...i dont have the energy to tell her that ill be ok because i dont know...im living day to day..and i dont know anything beyond that...
as much as i need stability right now..the only stable thing i have is sarah..and now im even farther away from her.. no nothing is stable..im not ok..im not anything ...i just want to sleep the days away and not worry about anything at all...its to much...all i do these days is worry and stress and im tired...i really am..
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