and still the tears come..they dont seem to stop anymore..just crying..i think my eyes are broken and they are just leaking uncontrollably..but still i have to hide it..because im not supposed to be sad..or breaking down..or anything like that..if i talk to mommy and she even thinks ive been crying or am sad or something she will attack and grill me..until i swear im fine and that nothing is wrong...i could talk to nia but i dont want her worrying..she has enough on her plate right now..with school and noa and all of that..my problems dont need to get added to hers...and so it really does feel like i am having to deal with all of this in silence...writing about it doesnt really help anymore..and im to ashamed to let anyone know what is really going on ..so i end up crying by myself almost everyday...sarah does know though..i promised i wouldnt shut her out..but every day i juts want to give up a little bit more..im scared...i really am..scared that i wont be able to keep myself safe..that i wont care...everyday caring goes away a little bit more..and im wearing down..the need to manage and be calm and do what i need to do..unfortunately goes hand in hand with cutting when i am this overwhelmed and stressed out..and again its like i have to stay hidden until i can pull myself together enough to leave the house..or go to work or do anything...but there is not much that i can do right now...i dont have money to do anything and i used what i did have to get cat food..and so i pretend im not hungry..and that i dont need anything at all..and that im fine..because i would never ask anyone for money again..because its just another failure on my part...and i dont want to have to deal with owing anyone else money...i cant even keep up with what i owe everyone now...no need to make it worse..at some point this week i will have to find boxes...i need to pack..trying hard to get caught up with work..i am...
skipping therapy today...i have enopugh shame and guilt right now to deal with..and i dont want to talk about it ..alice will prolly call..i dont know..i may or may not answer...i dont feel like talking to anyone today..i just want to hide ...disappear.. do something to calm my head down..but there is nothing safe..
ill go finish crying now..and then its back to paperwork ... no need to let work stuff get any worse...
ddont need to screw up again..
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