maybe i am not all out of tears...because i am sitting here crying..thinking..and crying..writing and crying..staring at nothing and crying...trying to figure out what to do and crying...
i dont want to be hated but i am afraid i will be...i dont want to be left alone but again..that is a possibility...
and i hate myself..the more i think the more i hate..and the more i hate.the more i want to stop feeling...the more i want to hide and disappear..and just go away...pretend i dont exist..make myself remember and believe that i truly am worthless..an that i will always end up messing things up..and then i remember all the times that ive tried so hard to destroy myself..how close ive gotten to ending up accidentally dying...and not caring one bit...i wanted to die..i prayed for death..and it never came..no matter what i did..i woke up the next day..hurting and upset that my eyes even opened..and today...today i pray once again for death to take me..i messed up..and deserve to die, deserve to hurt, deserve to be punished..
my mind wanders and i am back in the dark place that i tried to leave so long ago..the place where pain becomes something to strive for..not avoid..where feeling numb is the goal..and i find that this is a place where i am comfortable at...still comfortable...after all this time..the dark place is where i am comfortable at..the place of pain, guilt, shame, horror...and yet my mind still hides it from me...until the time when it is needed..for when i need a hiding place...so easily i am pulled back into it..so easily i begin to want it...to crave it.. and will do anything to reach that height of emptiness...and then..maybe then..sleep will take me ..
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