fear is setting in..a lot of fear..im afraid..and on the verge of crying..on the verge of cutting..on the verge of something to get the fear to ease up a little bit..how did i get to this place ??? and why cant i get out of it? how did things get to the point that i am staring at being homeless for the first time in my life..something i never thought would happen in a million years..but i am looking at it...and it is not a pretty picture..and im sad and depressed and scared and just tired..im not sure i can do this...i dont want to do this..and instead all i keep thinking is that if i cut i would be able to sleep..over medicating would do the same thing...but no...i think i want to hurt..and i need it to be a visible hurt...something to see..but i am afraid..and am now crying because i cant even decide if i want to hurt myself or not...i really do think there was a lot of truth when i told sarah earlier that i was afraid of ending up in the hospital...that is still a fear..a real fear..and all i can do is lay here and cry...hidde and cry..i need to hide from myself at this pointt..because i dont know what else to do..ill go finish crying now. if i make it through the night..i guess ill grow up tomorrow
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