im feeling calmer this morning..yesterday i thought the world would end and i would end right along with it.but the world didnt end and neither did i...the depression is hitting hard..and so is the need to hide and shut down and not say anything to anyone at all...only a handful of people know the situation..and i guess i want to keep it that way...i dont want anyones pity...i will manage...in the end i always manage somehow...
went to therapy today..and actually told alice why i didnt come in last week...we talked a bit about crying and how that is a healthy skill..and how much ive grown over the past almost 2 years with her...in the past week..all the times i wanted to give up, give in, cut, burn, ugh i thought about all of it..but the razors are still in the living room where i left them..the package is open ..and i even had one out to use at one point .. but i put it back and just cried and cried and cried some more...and as much as i dont like it..i guess i can at laest acknowledge that yes crying is a natural thing...dont know it though.and i dont like that i cant control...these days tears are so close to the surface..its like anything and everything is able to set me off ... but therapy is now moved to every 3 weeks..because im managing..because im staying safe..because thinking is not the same as acting..so on and so forth..things have been royally shitty...and i didnt cut...i almost wonder what has happened to me? what has changed? there is a small number of people who i want to be proud of me...alice is one, kathy and sarah are the others..nia at least acknowledges that things suck..while mommy constantly tells me what i need to do or should be doing or something..being on the phone with her gives me such a headache..but this is one of those times that i have to control myself and my temper and my reactions...she is being nice enough to drive up here..and help me get my stuff out of the apartment..
the court stuff happened..i have 10 days...maybe an extra three days after that..but the end result is that i will be out of this apartment by the end of next week..the plan right now is for my stuff to pretty much go to storage..until the other apartment is ready at ashley oaks...so many changes.so much upheveal...right now im afraid to hope..to think. to plan to far out..because things keep changing and not working out..and im getting worn out...the stress and worry has turned physical..and i can feel the tension in my back and neck..it still hurts me to get up or move certain ways because my sides still hurt a lot...i will have to get things organized and put up or give away..and some things i see no point in keeping ...i guess mommy is right in that its the clothes that are the biggest issue...and some things im gonna try to sell and some things im just trashing..i want this to be a new start...getting some stability..some normalcy...its just that 2013 was filled so many negative things...a few positive things but really negative and scary stuff..and it has leaked over into 2014...but i want things to get better..i want to feel better again..crap ill even go and work out with roxanne juts for the stability..im hoping by feb that things will be more stable..
and tomorrow ..i will be able to make things right with sarah...as sucky and sad as the past few days have been...im glad i told her what i did..because i was guilty and feeling guilty and i just couldnt keep it up...and so tomorrow i will set that right..and we will go from there...when we talked on sunday..i do believe we have agreed to slow down a bit...keep spending time together, getting to know each other, all of that..no rushing into anything...but working through stuff...i was so afraid that i would lose her..and i didnt..yes things are a bit different right now..but she is still in my life and that means i am not alone..i just cant lie to sarah...it hurts me and it hurts her...so long ive spent keeping my secrets..and she wants me to talk to her...to tell her..and that is scary..so many things come alive in me when i am with her..and some things i am getting a bit more used to. never in my life would i have thought i would be ok being undressed around anyone...but with sarah i can be undressed in like 20 seconds and not care ..ok the self concious feelings do still come and go..and im ashamed of the ruin that is my body..but i guess that will take time...and sarah is giving me all the time in the world...to get comfortable with what i am learning about myself ...the fears still creep in though..i wonder how screwed up i am to like the things i like..and it scares me...but am working on it..
tomorrow i actually have to work work..and hopefully will find out more about my missing check...this current job is frustrating me majorly...which reminds me that i need to call kathy back..but anywhoo..i have food and ill have gas..so yeah..will manage...thats what i keep telling myself...damn i need a new happy pill...im depressing myself these days...
but yes i am better than yesterday..and i feel that tomorrow i will be able to face the world...its going to be a busy day...so i think im gonna go play some fb games for a bit and then just lay down...already took meds so im pretty sure ill be sleep really soon
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