overwhelmed

no more hiding from life...my world is crumbling at my feet and all i can do is watch because all of it is out of my control.  i see everyone else going on with their lives and i want to yell and scream and tell them to stop..tell them to pay attention..tell them i am not happy...im very afraid of this week..im afraid of worrying and being scared and feeling so overwhelmed with everything.  Im not so sure about any of this anymore.  I wonder why I hang on just to be let down over and over .... this isnt the depression talking..this is im tired of life talking and am completely ready to give up and call it quits..im tired of fighting..im tired of crying..and i feel completely alone ..i know im not completely alone but it just feels like i am..im getting sucked farther and farther into to my head..and i dont want anyone else there..i want to be alone to hide the fact that i cant seem to manage right now...that im back to crying and its not as if i can get a lot of stuff done if i cant see straight..crying makes me sleepy...and i would rather not be seen or talked to or looked at righth now...im seriously just sitting here ..picking my poison ... what will it be..cutting, pills, burning, throwing up, most of my meds are at sarahs house because i was stupid and left them this morning...so the pill option isnt as good...i already know what it will be..its not a hard choice to make ... just something else i will have failed at this month...i tried..i really did but thats not good enough...i need to be dead inside for a little while..to be able to deal with mommy and to deal with moving and to deal with possibly ending up in a place that scares me hotel wise....i dont want mommy to come..i really dont...i dont want anyone to come and see just how far i have fallen...but mommy is making sure of that...i can count on one hand who actually knows whats going on with me..i may keep secrets ..but mommy is better at than me..not that there is anyone to help...and mommy used money this morning...that was the fuel to let me know that im not doing enough..that i cant depend on her..that i cant do anything ..that i still owe nia and rob..that she cant come and rent something and drive up here on her own..and mommy is telling me over and over what it is that i need to do..i feel stupid and rushed and pushed..and i cant be rushed..i just cant...i know most of my triggers and that is a big one..my head hurts...my body hurts..everything hurts right now...and as much as i want to destroy myself..i think ill just take a couple vailums and lay back down..the crying has stopped again..so maybe the headache will go away too..i dont know...im not putting much hope in anything at all right now...and i have to be even more careful on the phone..especially with mommy...no sadness..no tears..no nothing...i may as well be dead already...silence is my friend..i guess