my head hurts from crying..and i want to do not so very nice things..pick your posion...what shall it be ? its like spinning a wheel and waiting to see where it lands...i think its sad that i have enough options for ways to hurt myself that i can pick and choose..what to do..what not to do..no i wont die..i never die..but again..but i think i want and what will actually happen are by no means the same thing...not the same at all..my mind can be a horrible place for thinking and planning..i dont want to hurt..no. i do want to hurt..but i am afraid i will make a mistake..go to far in the quest for silence and emptiness...dont forget you deserve it..never forget that..never forget your place..remember...remember what mommy says..remeber you are worthless, evil, selfish, liar, thief, hated, not good enough..stop pretending ..stop trying to convince yourself of anything else..but in the end..mommy is right...as always she is right...and she is always there to remind me that i am awful..and i am left wondering why she didnt kill me way back when she had a chance? why let me live just to tell me over and over that im not enough..that ill never be enough..and no amount of trying will make me good enough for anything or anyone..
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