you know reading books about abused kids is something i have done for as long as i remember..sometimes i find them intentionally..and sometimes i find them accidentally...but i read them all the same...and the reactions as always different..there is always something that jumps out..that clings to me..and i want an answer to it...
tonight the question is..how far are you willing to go to keep your secrets..and i say secrets..but its more than that...its guilt, shame, fear, hate..all of it..
i know how far i would have gone...i planned to die with my secrets..never letting anyone at all know my shame...or letting anyone see my shame or admit to anything being wrong..it was more important to just blend in..to disappear..i was more than willing to die to keep them..i was probably well on my way to death without revealing anything because it was to much..the shame was overwhelming..the need to punish and hurt myself ruled my mind..i wasnt allowed to tell..i wasnt allowed to speak..i dont know if those were my rules or someone elses..but they were rules all the same..and breaking the rules called for punishment..failing meant punishment..either from me or from mommy while i was younger..but gradually i got older and so the punishments changed...and the punishments came from me..from inisde of me..i didnt need any help helping myself down..i knew what to say..i knew what to do..i knew it all..and never once had any intention of revealing any of it..
who would care? who would notice? why did no one notice? i think that hurts the most...no one noticed..no one noticed that i never talked..that i was usually hiding somewhere .. that the fear mommy has instilled in me is still alive and strong..and even now as an adult..no one understands that the same rules still stand at home..dont move without permission..dont think..dont ask..dont do anything...it was the unspoken rules that controlled me and kept me silent...even now it is the fear of being in trouble with mommy that breaks me..that stops me cold and i cant think..i cant process..i can shut down..i can cry..i can hide..but i cant function...and the fear controls me...the fear still controls me ..
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