so today.. i was being introduced to so many different people..some i had already met before but thanks to me and my suckish memory i didnt know anyones name anyway..but all the same i was being introduced (to my absolute horror)..but my inability to say no to certain people was kicking in and so jessica introduced me and i tried my best to not completely disregard the people i was meeting...but again as i do when im scared or nervous..i couldnt look directly at anyone..i was just afraid and nervous..and i mean my mood was decent today which is prolly why i was smiling more than not doing anything ..but i really wasnt looking at anyone..shaking hands yep...saying i was fine yep, being polite of course..but the eye contact was bad..very bad..and maybe its just that i was afraid..maybe i was just uncomfortable..i dont know..i was something..and one lady i was introduced to asked if i was shy..due to how i was acting most likely..and i just said yes..there is no need to say oh well im really afraid of all of you and am not good with small talk and am easily afraid..i just agreed that i was shy and left it at that...im not as concerned that jessica knows that its a bit more than just being shy..but no need to share all of that with anyone else... but now im thinking a little more about it..and i really am wondering what it is..am i shy? or am i afraid? before..well when i was younger you know..i just assumed i was shy..that i was uncomfortable talking and being around people that i am not used too..no one really made a big deal about it..i was around but i was invisible in a lot of cases..i was there but because i was so quiet..i was over looked a lot...no one noticed me or talked to me..and so i just spent a lot of time watching..and listening..and well being in my head i guess...but again no one really paid any mind to me i guess..unless i was in trouble for something...but i guess it was after i left home for college that the thoughts on being shy kinda started to change...my anxiety in social situations became a bigger issue..because i wasnt as safe and im on my own sorta..and so i avoided social situations as much as possible.. but some things i couldnt avoid and so i think things just got worse instead of better...because i didnt know how to make the social stuff better..and i got scared so much so easily..and there was not anyone teaching me any new skills at all..and so i became even more introverted...more paranoid..just well more everything...and so i skip ahead to know..and things are just sorta getting to a middle ground..and i say that tentatively...because i am still very uncomfortable in social situations..my eye contact is fairly bad..ok really bad..but i do talk when i have to..but i still avoid social stuff like a plague..but well jessica is intent of helping me socialize..and they will call me out on the not looking at them..her and kathy will...and well linda does every so often... but still i think i struggle the most with the eye contact...if i dont feel like im being watched then i have an easier time with looking at someone else..or if im in a group setting and i am not being 'watched' then i may be a little more comfortable...but still i have a hard time with it all..i dont know..
it just scares me..being social..sharing..talking about myself..its so uncomfortable for me..i wonder what anyone wants to know about me for..i wonder why ppl are talking to me..my need to be accepted and to fit in is at war with my need to hide to be invisible to not attract any attention at all..im afraid of attention..to many bad things happen when i have someones attention...i have a hard time trusting them..i have a hard time trusting there intents... i worry about what is wanted from me... and i dont like not knowing what is wanted of me..
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