well well well

things have been a bit better since wed..and that is saying an awful lot..i really need to work on not skipping work so much..essh..but gosh i cant remember the last time i said anything has been better..i didnt realize just how not so good things have been...i havent felt hopeful about anything at all since maybe before the holidays..wow...that is really sad you know...that i have gotten so used to things just not being ok..to not feeling good..to being sad and depressed and suicidal...just so much you know..

but really t was okay..talked about what was going on and what not..and then i went and saw my supervisor..because she was in the office on wed..and i was intent on staying with her ALL darn day..and she prolly would have let me lol..but i kinda got bored and sleepy after about 2 and a half hours..and i think i really just wanted to see that she was there and to ask a bunch of times if she was really leaving..and i had to fight hard not to whine about it..but i had lunch with her and then we talked about random things and what not..and i actually did spend a lot of time talking to her about different things..nothing indepth though..just light stuff..and as i was leaving just reminded me that we had had a convo before about her plans for me..and for me to keep working with her...which translates into me going with her to her new company when it is all said and done..and that seriously calmed me right on down..like i havent felt as stressed out with anything for the rest of the week..like there were hard moments but over all i was working harder to keep myself in control and not let things get out of hand..it was one of those ' why do i need therapy' type weeks..because well i feel almost fine you know...and i have to be careful because these 'times' can lead to me doing rather stupid things because i am feeling ok and that by its self makes me feel nervous and uncomfortable..so trying to just take things day by day..im still not feeling completely comfortable with the changes in the office and there being new ppl there and stuff..but i guess ill get over it eventually.  im hoping to stay in control of myself..i really am...

hmmm on monday i have a couple doc appts...on just for meds mostly and one for lab work..so that my foot stuff can get started...cas that will be an issue and what not and i may be walking around very carefully for a while..ugh..but that will be two appointments and follow up appts..and being very very careful with my feet..yuck...

but i guess there are some sorta fun things coming up too...i finally picked the dessert that i want to make for the dessert stories thing...im going to go and what not..but im not as interested in talking about the dessert...but ill go and bring one.  it took forever for me to think about making a rainbow cake!  i should have figured that one out almost immediately lol..

and im going to try the womens retreat .. im not sure how it will go but i do want to attend..if nothing else it is a little get away for a weekend..and ive never done anything like that..so i do want to try it...but it does make me feel nervous..but not as nervous as before..which is odd ..because im currently thinking about if im going to church tomorrow or not..and im feeling nervous..but its not a heart stopping, panic filled nervousness..i still want the reassurance from my supervisor that its ok for me to be there and to attend..but im not as afraid as i was like 4 weeks ago...gosh has it really been four weeks already?!?!

hmm and i was thinking also about one indecent with mommy on the phone this week..and i think she is still trying to get me to come home..but i wont give her a definite answer..and i dont want to go home..i am not attending the wedding that is coming up..because i am not welcome...maybe that is more of me projecting my feelings about the issue..but i dont think i would be welcomed..i am the overshadowed stain on the whole event..so no..not happening...and i was talking to mommy about my new phone and of course she mentions that her and henrys phones are messing up..and she is somehow implying that im not doing enough for them and not doing enough to help..it was like how do you get a new phone and we need phones...and it made me angry..first of all my new phone was free..i wasnt paying for it..and second its not my fault at all that there phones arent working..ive already sent mommy one of my old phones..they can check there account for upgrades just like i can..and ive been waiting for this upgrade for a good long while..so i dont think its fair at all what mommy tried to do..but i wasnt going to fall for it..im not..im not sending her another phone either..its stupid..and again not my fault...ugh...i let henry borrow money which of course tapped me out..and well mommy gave it back to me and everything..but still its like ugh its frustrating because yes i am broke and i know i need to learn to manage my money better..i do.and im so going to start you know...next month..with trying to save and pay bills and everything you know .... plus i know i need to work on getting in more hours...this part time stuff is sucking big time..and my checks are starting to be affected majorly and i just dont like that at all...yuck...so this week my hours are ok..but i just gotta get them back up again..i need things..my computer is messing up..and my car needs work...mainly my ac..as its getting hotter and i need the air big time..but also i need things around the apartment and just needing to get things in order you know...but yeah ... desk, computer, and what not are on my plans for getting within the next two months...

today is a super rainy day and its dark and yucko and i just want to lay down you know..no energy really at all..and of course there is meds and what not that i need to get too..essh...and i need to pay more attention to my work schedule and make sure that everything is being attended too..cas i think im slacking off big time..im doing just enough to get by you know..and really with the gas prices practically at $4 a gallon..im not feeling as helpful with getting my clients to appointments and things..so my goal for next week is to plan better and all of that...

hmm henrys birthday is sunday..well next sunday...and nia is coming down next month for one of two weeks..and i am looking forward to that a lot..i know i have been really isolating lately..and im trying to work on that you know..but its so hard..and at least with her here i will have company and things...and i do generally enjoy her company ..so no complaints on her visiting..i just know that my apartment will have to be cleaned from top to bottm before she gets here..which is also why i feel the need to kinda 'do' my apartment..and organize and sorta decorate and what not..i mean in general i dont do much with my apartments..but this is really the longest ive been in one place you know...its so odd feeling like i am settling down here and getting used to being here and being ok with being here..i know at some point im moving again..but maybe not as soon as i want to move...i actually looked into grad school here..and maybe thinking about applying for next fall..the social work program...giving it a try..well more than a try if im gonna have to pay for it ...but its a two year program ... and an in depth program at that..so i will see...

its like i had compeltely forgotten all the goals and dreams and everything..i really have just been in exist mode..all i do is exist and get by..but im not involved..does that make sense? hmm yeah there is just so much to think about and suddenly plan for..so many things that i want to do..so many place to go...

im slowly working on getting back on track with the whole eating thing...not doing so hot and the carbs are just kicking my butt..i love bread..and its not an excuse..its not..but i just could eat bread all the time and not be bothered at all..but carbs are not so great for me..yikes...but i am trying to gain more control...and get back into being more in tune with how i am feeling and everything..

so hmmm guess thats my rambles for today...now i guess ill get up and fix lunch and maybe hang some pictures that have been sitting on the floor for like a year!  goodness!