what i know... :(

finding the root of all things evil...things have been going well..i want to say that have been going well..the usual finance issues and what not..the usual work issues...a lot of health issues and med issues and not feeling good..but overall i really want to say that things could be a hell of a lot worse...now in the past two or so weeks things inside have taken a swift downward turn in the way of self harm...i mean its getting bad again..well its getting bothersome again..and i couldnt figure out why it is that i want to hurt so very much..why it is that i am feeling so intent on destroying myself again..i dont want to die..but i want to hurt immensely..and i didnt know why...i think it was last week that i was thinking that it was that things were changing so much that i was wanting the comfort of old things..things that got me out of my head..things that made me hurt and stop feeling so darn awful..bad logic yes i know..really bad logic..but it fit you know ..it made sense..but thats not the whole story..and of course i was once again really slow at figuring out what the real issue is currently..and im writing this and trying hard to fight the urge to continue hurting myself..right now i see nothing wrong with doing it..it makes sense to me again..i look at the new scars and can just see more..im seeing really bad things happening to me..like what im doing to myself bad things..but what is driving the need to hurt is something that is sorta going on..that is becoming an issue in some huge roundabout way...:( why does this mess have to happen ..i dont want to think about it..i try so hard to forget it..but lately i cant forget it..i keep seeing it happening and i know its my fault..and i know that im forever going to be seen as this horrible horrible person by a select few in the family because of what happened..and i want to say it wasnt my fault but thats not true..i dont know..its just all so confusing and sometimes im not even sure how it happened..but i was blamed heavily for it..and i was to stupid to even try to defend myself..who would believe that it wasnt me leading it? i was older..this was a child who was umm i dont know how much younger than me..but he was younger..and it happened twice..you know i let it happen because i didnt know how to stop it..i didnt know how to prevent it..and so i let it happen..there was nothing thrilling about it and i think i found it kinda gross ..but it still happened..and then we were caught..and there was hell to pay..they called me awful awful things..mommy wouldnt let me forget how awful i was..how nasty..how bad i was..how could i do it? over and over and over..it was my fault..i should have known better..it shouldnt have happened..im the one that messed up..im the one that made everything happen..and so with these particular things a few ppl stopped talking to me..and i did my best to avoid them..howe do you apologize for something like this?? maybe i screwed up some kid..i just knew that i was being whispered about..that everyone was thinking i was so so very bad and awful..they went out of there way to ignore me too..and i just wanted to go away..to get away from all of it..to be far far away from all of it..and i think i did forget..it wasnt a big deal..but still every so often i still saw the kids mom and it ws like i wasnt even there..she looked right through me..and how could i blame her? i was the bad one..the stupid one..the nasty one..and i guess she saw me and hated me..mommy saw me and hated me..and well i hated me so i guess we were all on the same page with that one..but still i was in the wrong..and they made sure i knew it..mommy made sure i knew it..but why is this is an issue now? because his wedding it happening in like 3 or so weeks...mommy was invited..my sister was invivted..but me..i wasnt invited..and mommy actually asked me if i was going..no im not going..but i feel hurt that i was excluded..i feel excluded..but can i really blame them?? why would she want me there? why would he want me there? but it being brought up hurts all the same..i dont want to go..but with everyone else being invited i would have liked an invitation i guess...but i guess that is me and craziness talking..because i know on some level that i do not want an invitation..i really dont...my sister asked me yesterday about if i was going..and i just told her that i wasnt invited and so i didnt know..said some random stuff about work and not being able to make it home that weekend. but i wont be going..but now i cant seem to forget my awfulness .. i cant let it go.. there is to much in my head and im guilty and shamed and hurt and upset and so many things..and i dont understand..i hate this..i hate remembering .. i hate knowing what i was a part of..i really do