today i am just struggling with being in my own skin...i dont know why but its just im not liking much about myself today and im not comfortable with myself..and i dont know what i want to do..im just feeling frustrated i think and its coming out as me just being harder on myself today...
yesterday i was fairly sickish and spent the day in bed...today i woke up and had a horrible headache again and just wanted to stay in bed..but at the same time i wanted to go to church sorta..i think i really just wanted to see jessica..heh..but i wasnt sure you know..i wasnt feeling good.i didnt want to go outside..i was upset and annoyed that i couldnt find what i wanted to wear and just ugh...but i did go...and i guess im happy i went..im not completely sure yet.. i wanted something but i cant identify what it is...i didnt feel like myself you know..it was sorta like i was just full of nervous energy..i was more attentive and less afraid of things today...i was calmer today than i have been at any other time ive been there...and i was anxious i think to hear the service because i wanted to see if it was going to be about me again..but i thought it wasnt you know...i was listening and all of that but of course as it got going it gradually moved into things that i wasnt as comfortable with..and i was just getting so upset..because the topic became about love and support and all of that..and with my mood today it just wasnt getting through to me..and so i ended up feeling more upset leaving than i did when i got there..and again it was just my head stuff getting in the way of things..it was..but i just felt like i wanted to say so so much but i couldnt get it out.i didnt know what to say..i didnt know how to say it..i didnt know how to identify what it is that i am wanting right now..i go to church and yes it is very overwhelming that i am sorta recognized..and its all i can do not to like sink into the floor or something in terror...i dont know what to say to ppl..but gosh darn if ppl dont remember my name and i cant remember any of theres..ugh..but i keep going and i keep listening and i want to be included so much..but that again would be like admitting that i need something ..that i have to let go to even accept whatever it is that im wanting...but i want something..i want to feel safe ..and i think i could feel safe maybe..im just not sure.. but i was with jessica and she did give me a hug..and we talked about the dessert thingy for friday night some..and a little about the retreat...i still want to go but im afraid of going by myself ..that would be a really big big thing..heather has some of her own stuff going on and so if i go i think i would have to go by my self..but that is so scary..and so uncomfortable..but heck its prolly a good thing that its still a couple months away..i have time to get used to the idea of going...im never going to be able to do anything by myself if i dont start somewhere..but still its highly very anxiety producing...and well its done with for now..on friday i think ill ask more questions about it.the retreat and find out more about signing up and paying and all of that..and finding out if illl have to actually do the single room or room with someone else..one person would be ok..but im not so sure about being with more than one other person...i dont know..but at least i can ask questions right!?? well thats the plan anyway lol..
so church is over and done with and im at home now.a little headachy and tired..but no worse for the wear i guess...i have so much work to do..cas of course i completely forgot that today is the 25th which means that monthlies/quarterlies are due in addition to the reg notes...blah..so gotta get to work on those because i have the class thing tomorrow and a couple doc appts..and then also going into the office tomorrow..cas i asked jessica to chat with me tomorrow...so tomorrow will be a lot of time out of the house...and its gonna be a long day i think..so gotta do some work today...
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