backsliding...who am i trying to convince?

the feelings are incredibly conflicted on that issue and its so hard figuring out how to feel about it...if it was anyone else i would tell them to get help..to stop..to talk about it ..or something...but with me..it doesnt matter you know..i want to hurt.i dont care about hurting myself..it doesnt matter..i dont matter..and that makes it ok..but i know its not ok..i know it hurts..but im still convincing myself other wise..im still trying to keep making it ok..so that i dont have to stop..but what will happen when there is no where else for me to cut? or i manage to kill myself..and i try so hard to convince other people that i am fine..that i can control..and i dont understand there worry..i dont understand why it is that they are concerned and hurting for me.when i dont even care? why do they have to care?? why cant they just let go be in my own little world and not matter?

t was very confusing today.. we talked some about the cutting..and some about eye contact and all of that..but the running theme seemed to be that a lot of what i believe now is based on what i believed as a child..and that the problem is that im not a child anymore..and so the beliefs dont work as well in my adult life and that they are getting in the way of things...and as much as that makes sense..hearing it makes me want to hang on so very tightly to the beliefs anyway..and i know a lot of them dont make sense..i do ..but still they happen so automatically that im not really thinking about it so much as its happening..and i just seem odd and weird and well yeah you get the picture..but i dont know how to let go of the beliefs ..and i dont see how they can work as an adult..but i still cling to them big time..im supposed to be figuring out and identifying i guess what some of them are..and how it is that they dont work so well from an adults perspective..and ive been thinking about it all day and im just not sure .. having to look at them and see and understand how they may have worked before but dont work so much makes me feel stupid