im writing..i am but i want to cut..i want to hurt..i want anything that will help me get out of my head right now...the more the day has gone on the more closed off and alone i feel..i dont know what to do with myself..i feel like im just a bother..and that i am just bothering everyone and i shouldnt talk to anyone anymore..i dont know...i spent most of the morning sleeping..i was sick last night..and yeah not a good thing..but this morning i was just tired..and so i ended up sleeping away half of the day..and the other half of the day i just sort of existed i guess..i havent done anything productive at all..just laid around..wanting things that i am not allowed to have..and then the sad feelings begin to take over and i really dont know what to do..things are bothering me a bit more right now and so im listening to music as im writing because the tv is irking my nerves..i dont want to play with taji or bounce..i want to be left alone but i want to be surrounded by anyone..and that has me thinking about the conversation that i had in therapy this week..and i feel ever sadder for wanting the simpliest of things and being unable to have it at the level i want it.
right now i am feeling very needy..i want my needs met but i dont want to have to do anything to get them met..i dont want to have to give anyone anything .. i just want to be noticed..supported..loved..i dont know..its frustrating me because i just want so much and i hate that i feel that i need so much..becuase its like i just end up draining the people that i get attached to and it makes me think that everyone will just end up hating me..and then i just think awful things about myself ..because its like ok ive managed to drive someone else away and its all my fault because im just so awful..and i realize a bit late that i havent been in the office as much this week and so i havent really talked to my supervisor or director..and so im thinking now that they are just mad at me or something..i havent had my weekly support or whatever and it leaves me feeling empty and forgotten..and i know that i am not supposed to need them like this because they cant give me what i want..not completely anyway..but something is better than nothing..and so my need to be passive aggressive starts coming out..and i want to do stupid things..i want to demand their attention and support and i want them to notice me..and i know that it makes no sense at all for me to cut as a way to get there attention..i know this..ive already had the conversation with supervisor about getting the negative attention..and i just want them to be proud of me..and instead im just managing to screw things up and maybe im just upset because i want them and cant have them..and they have their own lives that i am not a part of..i hate that i cant be apart of their lives..i hate that i cant monoplize all of their attention..it upsets me that all it takes is a few days of not talking to them or seeing them and its like my whole world has crumbled..i need the constant reassurance that i am ok..and that i doing the right thing..and that things will get better...without that from them its like i cant do it by myself..and so now i am feeling alone and messed up and forgotten in a major way..and my generally need to appear fine and aloof kicks in and i try to ignore my feelings..and ignore just how badly it is that i want to talk to them...im trying hard not to call either of them because what i want has nothing to do with work stuff at all..and i dont want to take up there time..i dont want to bother them..but what am i supposed to do?? why do i need so much from them ? i dont know what to do with myself either..and because of sleeping so much this morning im not tired at all..but i just want to take my bedtime meds because i know it will make me sleep..i dont want to think anymore..i dont want to have to feel so empty and alone..and i dont want to need the comfort from them because i cant seem to comfort myself...i dont know how to comfort myself..and i dont want it anyway..i just want them and i cant have them and so i dont want anyone else..there is no one else that can fill the gaping hole that is inside of me..no one at all..maybe i am just soo broken that there is not enough support in the world to help me feel better and to help me feel safe and not so exposed..its not fair .. i am supposed to be able to take care of myself and i cant even do that..im really upset right now that i dont have any razors..and im just thinking about what i can use instead..i miss having all of my tools from before.. i had really good stuff and i was never ever without at least one razor..but im thinking about all of it..knives..glass..anything to get some relief from my head..and thinking and how i am feeling..why couldnt i have had them for my parents? things would have been so different wouldnt they have been? i would have been different? i would be happy and safe and care for.and i wouldnt feel so scared and afraid and lonely..my whole being separates me from everyone else..i dont fit in..i dont stand out..and so i guess i am just wondering what the purpose is for any of this..and why i am stuck with having to feel so awful and crazy and i dont know what to say...because my plan has formed in my mind and nothing is going to take it away..i guess that makes me crazy...i dont know how to say just how badly it is that i want to be comforted..i dont know how to show i am hurting without actually hurting myself..and i cant deal with everything that i feel inside...because no one sees it..no one knows..no one understands.. im not crazy..i know exactly what im doing..i dont need anyone at all..i dont
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