not really a great day

am feeling a lot down tonight..not sure what is causing it..i know i am feeling really hot...i just have so many issues with the warm weather..and the meds keep me feeling hot anyway..and so now im doubly hot and out of sorts..i dont know..maybe im just feeling sad cas mommy is asking for money and i gave her some..not a lot but still gave her some..and i cant really complain cas of the other thing we did that was not a good thing..ugh..but still the feeling we get is that we are only important when it comes to money..i only matter based on how much i can give...its not fair..and i guess one of these times ill just get tired of saying that..maybe i am horrible and suck..but well what t has been telling me about stopping my thinking when im thinkinig those types of things..and all of that..and so i think it and have to force it to keep moving along.. im getting a headache so this may not make much sense at all soon.. mommy told me today about a family members wedding that is next month..on easter weekend...i have no intention of going because it would be awful..because it is the wedding of someone who not so good things happened with..and it was my fault..and so no i cant go..i dont want to go...guilt and shame and all sorts of things are in my head about all of that...and i know mommy was trying to get me to say that i would come home..but i cant go home..not ready to be at home..im not sure ill ever be ready really.. i just dont want to be at home..and right now i guess im not even stable enough to begin to deal with being at home...oh im just feeling confused and achy and cranky tonight..