today it was a little bit chilly..and so i put on my light jacket..no biggie right..but i guess i was feeling overly scared and nervous about the shirt i had on and wanted to keep my arms covered...but so i went into church with my jacket on and it just so happens that the sleeves kinda hang over my hands..and i found jessica and everything and went and sat with her..but one of the ushers came and asked me about getting the little offering envelopes ..and i got one but because i still had on my jacket my hand was partially covered as i was reaching..to me it wasnt a big deal..didnt really think much of it you know..but i also noticed that my director was looking at my sleeves..and again it was one of those things that i just happened to notice as it was happening and when it was over you know it kinda just left my mind...but a couple mintues later my directors takes my hand that is closet to her and starts to fold back my sleves..like you know how a parent would do if something was to long type thing..and so again my head just sorta hadnt caught up with what was happening..and i knew she was folding my sleeves up to a normal level..and i immediately moved to pull them back down..and my director turned my hand over and pushed my sleeve up to see my wrist...and as it was happening i was still a bit slow and kinda wasnt getting what she was doing..but then it all kinda caught up with me and i did pull my hand away..and pulled my sleeves back down...and i felt silly..and i wanted to tell her that she could have just asked if she wanted to know if i had cut ..but well of course i didnt bother to share that she completely checked the wrong arm...i rarely cut my right arm...i mostly stick to my left arm anyway..but she didnt look at that one..she looked at my right wrist and of course there was nothing there...and i mean i havent cut in a couple weeks..but i still hate that in my nervousness the need to cut becomes more overwhelming..ugh..but anyway..ive been thinking about it all day..what happened..and im just not sure how i feel about it..i trust my director..i do .. i prolly would have eventually told her if i had..but its been so long since someone has checked me..but she didnt do it in an invasive way..not like mommy tried to do..and did do on more than one occasion...but with jessica its a bit different..and i think it made me feel like i mattered just a little bit to someone..but i think that because i was having a i hate me day..i was a little bothered by the whole thing..but again its different than the upsetness that i would have felt if it had been mommy..i dont know..its a little bit confusing..and im just not sure what i think about it..maybe i will ask her about it tomorrow when i see her ...
and i guess ill go ahead and write about the rest of it...today one of the first things the pastor said was that he didnt want anyone to leave without having their needs met ..and of course my mind instantly goes to how i cant have my needs met..and how unfair it is that i cant have them met..and my jealously started to go up big time during the whole prayer part again..because this time jessica was a part of it..like the praying for people part..and i was once again so incredibly jealous..i couldnt watch all of it today..because i was just upset that once again i couldnt have what i wanted..and i was just getting upset and so i sat down and just tried to deal...i was fidgeting a bit..a lot..and i just really wanted jessica..and there is one other person that i want..but im still trying to figure out the other lady..i watch her a lot though..and i swear im not a stalker..but i have to watch her..i have to figure out how she is..i mean gosh darn i worked for both jessica and kathy for over a year before things sorta changed...and it was longer for jessica than kathy..but change they have...but these are new people..and i think that the more i go..the more i am wanting to believe that i can be safe there..but again that takes a while..and i have to be sure..absolutely sure...i did sorta ask jessica for a hug today..but i didnt ask anyone else and still managed to get hugs..maybe i just go to church for the hugs..although if anyone was watching me..it would be pretty obvious that its not often that i hug a guy..mostly women and i dont go looking for hugs..i guess it looks like im ignoring everyone ..when all i want is freakin hugs..i think i am just confused today..about everything...
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