frustrated extreme

i worded that so badly..but i am feeling really frustrated right now and it is really all my fault but it is so frustrating all the same..and i knew my hours were kinda suckish..but yeah it took getting paid today to realize just HOW freaking suckish..and it is just disheartening big time to know that its gonna be a hard month money wise...crap crap crap..and its just been hard with getting to see ppl and not feeling good and struggling just in general you know..and so my hours went way way way down at work..and well now im paying for it..and its just frustrating me..more so now because its the first you know and well rent has to be paid and all of that..and that makes me more upset because rent will take my whole check pretty much..and so i am just feeling stressed right now..and trying to figure out what i can and cant pay you know...and i have to go and get my meds today because my mood is taking a major beating..and there are things i need to do..and stuff i need for the house..and like groceries..ugh..so yeah a hard couple weeks...and then my sister is coming at the end of next week..and im like great so how exactly am i supposed to have the money to go and get her on top of everything else..and so im trying hard not to freak out horribly about it..but its just bad timing you know..and i do need to get the car ppl off my back..but --ok breathe--  im trying to tell myself that its going to be ok and that its going to work but but i am just worried and freaked right now....big time..and so all the stuff i did want to do is on hold still..and there are a couple things i ahve to get before my sister comes..and the rest will just have to wait..thankfully my hours will go up again next week..but still that will be like a check and a half away..ugh..ok..it will be ok..

hmm other stuff going on?!?! oh i dont know..im to pissed off right now to think about anything else..but there were other things going on..crap..umm..yeah its just been a pretty low week mood wise..and maybe its partially to do with not having all of the wellbutrion..so gonna need her to increase that one the next time i see her..but im going to get it today..i am..

tonight is the dessert thing..and im excited about making the dessert and bringing it..but nervous all the same..because it is a group type thing and im not sure how many ppl will be there..and all of that..and i was talking with my director a little bit about it yesterday but im not sure it was really helpful lol...and im glad heather is coming tonight too..but still im feeling really nervous ...

ve been wanting to cut alot this week..in the evenings its the worst ... and ive tried everything to not give in..but at the same time i want to do it...yesterday i was thinking about how much it is that i just want attention this week..like major amounts of attention and i realize that because ive been feeling so badly about myself this week that i am needing to have other people sorta step in and tell me that im ok..that things are going to be ok..and its hard because im not getting that..and im not able to kinda give myself a pep talk i guess..and so it is just frustrating and sad because i am feeling so badly and i dont have anyone to make me feel better and i dont know how to get what i want without resorting to cutting..because well if i cut and then go and tell my supervisor then i know i will get her concern and her attention and all of that..and thats all i want..i dont know..it doesnt seem fair i guess..that this is what i think about .. ive done the coping stuff..used all the coping skills i have that dont result in me hurting myself..but i want to hurt myself..and all week i am just questioning whether or not i matter..or if i am important..or if i am worth anything at all..and its hard because i just want to say no to all of it..and i have to really work to even get to a place where i am able to tolerate myself right now :( hmm so with the coping skills stuff..i tried meditation the other night..a relaxation type thing..and well i seriously relaxed myself right to sleep..like it was a deep breathing type thing and like the calming sounds and stuff..and it was a guided one..and i wasnt getting the breathing right at all..i was breathing way to fast for it to be relaxing but i tried..and i think at some point i just kinda went from following the instructions to being sleep..i think i realized when it went off but i was more asleep than awake and so i just slept for like 3 hours or so..and then i got up around midnight wondering what in the heck happened..and then i went back to bed....so i guess it helped in that i didnt cut..and then last night i was talking with a friend about things..and i realize that sometimes i just want to talk about cutting..i want to think about it ..and wonder about it and just like talk about the subject without being afraid or censored..because whether i talk about it or not the feelings are there..and not talking about it hasnt made it stop..so what harm could talking about it do...i think it was helpful..talking about it..it sorta brought all the thoughts to the surface but i was able to work through them..and well i didnt cut.so yeah..my thoughts are still rather confused though on the subject..i mean i was doing really well you know...so so good and hadnt done it in over a year..and then in the past month ive done it twice..and suddenly its like oh yeah it does help..so why do i have to stop again??  why is it so important to not do it? i should matter enough to myself not to do it..but i dont..and there is an event coming up that is just triggering the mess out of me ..and im feeling very bad about myself for what happened..and all of that..and i dont know...i am scared...worried really..and i dont know...

but i gotta go i guess..time to drag myself out to work...but a short day today because i have to make a whole cake tonight before 6 and then i have to get dressed and everything..and so yeah cant stay out all day with work cas other wise i will be upset and even more stressed out this evening...so yeah...i better get going...