am i mentally ill?

i think ive wondered about this before...am i mentally ill?  it makes me sound like im sick..im not sick..ok i am sick but thats soley because of medical issues.. but i do have quite a  few mental issues too.. i mean i can function (most of the time), and i work and well contribute something to society (not sure what exactly..but yeah) .. i do ok with all the grown up stuff im supposed to be doing like paying bills, and all of that..i take care of my cats.. you know all the normal every day stuff that im expected to do i can get through eventually...sometimes it may take me a bit longer than usual but eventually ill do it..

but when i crash..i crash big time..and its like i end up going right back to rock bottom..ok well right now im hovering somewhere between rock bottom and not completely rock bottom..because im not suicidal..im really not..i want to hurt yes..i want to hurt a lot actually..but i dont want to  die..and i think im in the middle of a crash period currently..this is when i dont want to do a darn thing..i dont want to work. i dont want to be around anyone. everything is way to much of an effort. i want to hide and pretend the world doesnt exisit. i dont want to have to think or feel or anything..my world has shrunk to the size of my apartment and anything outside of it is overwhelming and to hard to deal with..crashing is when my need to hurt becomes more important and my rational thinking..and it makes sense to me..i hurt then i feel better. thats how it works..if i cut i do feel better..but well then the pain kicks in and the scars come and well ive prolly bled all over something..blah..but its like i cant get out of my head and everything keeps pulling me back in ..i feel upset and not ok all the time..but its hard to show that to anyone else..and so its like im just walking around with this massive ball of hurt and no one can see it..and so i have to make it known which is where the cutting and all of that comes in...well the cutting is visible if i want it to be seen ..the purging isnt..and well i dont burn myself anymore..i dont want to do anything..i dont want to be anything..and the more i crash..well the farther in i manage to go the worse things tend to look..

im taking my medicine..i am..and im going to therapy..and im talking more..and slowly getting out more..and still i feel like the world is out to get me..or that i will do something to screw up the tentative things that are going on..and then i start to push hard against all of the good stuff..because i get scared..i am scared..im tired and scared..but im not sure of what ..i mean things are changing..which should be a good thing..it really should be..but im still wanting to move back to where i feel safe..and that is in my dysfunction..i am safe there..i am comfortable there..crap im well acquainted with my dysfunctional self...but its what i know..its not who i am though..and its like im still trying to figure out which is more worth the effort..one foot going forward..one foot hanging back..i think im afraid to fully let go of the past stuff you know..i mean behaviors and stuff..dealing with the past stuff is still a completely different issue..but the behaviors..the thinking..the actions..all of that im afraid to let go of..being stuck in my head (albeit a very bad place to be most of the time) but i know it..im safe from the outside world if im in my head...but if im in my head then im not safe from myself..and to say im not nice to myself would be putting it very very nicely..

oh i dont know..i want things to be different..i want to be happy and umm almost healthy and i want a family. and i want to feel safe and not scared (thats a big one)..but getting there is going to take every ounce of like everything i have..but the issue is that i dont feel like i have anything that all..i realized my it is that suddenly my need to cut and all of that is so much stronger..and i really did think that not having razors in the house would work..but no im smarter than that..and i really should have known better..not having razors only stops it if im not willing to look for an alternative..and nothing was getting through the me the other night and so yes i found an alternative..i had forgotten just how easy it is..to pull apart a shaver thingy...sickeningly easy..and i have those around because well if i was going to be normal i would only use them for shaving..and most of the time that is what i use them for...but well yes it is completely possibly to use them for my own twisted gains if i have too...and the funnier thing is that all of the knives in my house are dull and i cant use them to cut..they dont work..and i do miss my old stuff..i had everything..although i think it was the xacto knives that were the best..the double sided ones work good also but i wasnt a fan of the box cutters..dont know why..but well i didnt mean for this to become a lets analyze the past type thing..im not sure what i wanted this to become..

oh i was talking about my mental capabilities .. like it says..im quite decent i guess at playing normal..im a little on the quiet side..but i manage to function you know...i manage to get by in society somehow..im not in and out of the hospital..im not using drugs or drinking..i look presentable most of the time im out side of my house ..inside my house doesnt count! but my mental capabilities to the outside world would seem okay..not stellar by any means .but enough..but maybe its just enough that i know that im not ok or that im just falling hard into a place that i may not be able to return from..i know that ive destroyed my body..and keep destroying it..i know how often it is that i think about suicide..and how much i hurt and how hard it is some days to just get out of bed and leave the house..i know the fear and the sadness and the loneliness of feeling like i dont fit in..i hang on the outskirts of life because its like my issues prevent me from fully engaging..my mental stuff gets in the way of things an awful lot if i wanted to be honest..but who would know that?  my small handful of people who know how much i struggle can only do so much..i mean well maybe they can kinda help with the whole trying to stop me from killing myself..but even that is a little iffy at times..because i guess somewhere in my head i know that i have to decide...and maybe its not even fair for someone else to know what i am thinking like that..because i dont want to worry anyone..and i dont want anyone thinking they have failed in some way..i dont want that..ive been talking to much..there is no longer safety in my silence because i want to talk.i want to be heard..sometimes i just dont make a whole lot of sense...well i make sense to myself..sometimes i wonder how linda manages to listen to me and not get completely lost in what i am saying...i managed for so very long to keep myself safe from outside influences..i was in my own little world..and i was safe enough there..maybe not from myself..but in the big picture of things .. i guess i was safe..and its been within the past two or three years that my little bubble of separateness has been popped..and well within the past year that a lot of my thinking has been majorly challenged..and some days i can think clearly and understand things better..but a lot of the time my way of thinking and feeling still wins out..and i know its irrational..and crazy and confusing.. and makes no sense what to ever..but its my thinking..its all i have some days..and well some days i dont want it at all..which brings to mind my ever so important need for stronger drugs that will be able to keep me out of my head..that would be nice...but again its just another way to hide from reality..although darn it valium would be awesome..and ok let me stop that before i have someone thinking i have a drug problem...

but ive been writing to long and i have to stop..i have to do my paperwork even if it kills me and it just might..ugh..but i have to get it done..i cant get behind for another week...maybe ill print this out..there goes my trying not to sound crazy defense...but i think ill print out everything from the past few days and take it to linda...maybe she will be able to make sense of it...because im not sure that i can