depressed

i dont know..im not feeling much like writing today...im tired and worn out big time.. still having issues with the medicine and issues with bleeding..and issues with feeling sick..and for all the medicine i have to take..im still feeling fairly awful most of the time..i dont understand it at all..its all just bothersome..

i am feeling sad ..maybe its that im feeling lonely and that is making me feel more sad and lonely..i want to talk to someone..and i want to just do something but instead all i can seem to do is lay down and try not to die of boredom..but i have no energy to get up and do anything.. and so my desire to do anything lately is at an all time low..and im trying to go to work and you know be a productive member of society..but things are a bit overwhelming and i feel like im just falling behind in everything..im late with work stuff yet again..i have reasons but still its just excuses i guess..and i feel like im not trying anymore at all..and im gonna need that to change because well i cant afford to lose my job..and they are being very accommodating considering how behind i am with things..maybe i am just feeling sorry for myself..i know im feeling sorry for myself..im feeling depressed ..and well its time to take my meds since i havent taken them yet..

i really am being depressing..maybe ill just call it a night...thats how i escape my bad moods lately...i go to sleep..all  i want to do is sleep .. if im sleeping then i dont have to think..i dont have to feel..i dont have to do anything.. i dont know

i think tonight im throwing a pity party and i would rather avoid that..i really would..