well i guess im giving this a second try...i tried to wr ite what was going on earlier but i just couldnt focus and get it out..so im writing now...im feeling quieter..headwise anyway..and i dont know..im just feeling a bit loss with things right now..i dont know what im working for..what im working towards..i dont know what my goals are anymore..i dont know what i want..or what im fighting for. its just all this mass of everything and nothing and none of it even makes sense right now..im just trying to keep making it through each day and trying to get a handle on my head..my never ending needs for approval and love and care outweigh my good sense...ive been lonely lately and i dont know why..i dont know how to not be lonely..and then being lonely just makes me feel sad..and i have to be careful about not getting it mixed up..being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing..im lonely yes but im not completely feeling alone..i dont know..im not even sure im making sense right now..things are just -sigh- confusing..
i had a hard time this morning...my fears and anxiety were really getting the best of me and i was feeling rather tearful..and that is not something that i like at all..i was feeling vulnerable i think..worried and anxious..i didnt want to go to church and then i did..i didnt want to disappoint anyone else..and i didnt want to feel gulity either..but i wanted charita to be there and she wasnt :( and i think that made me feel less safe..and more exposed..i needed her there and she wasnt :( jessica was there but because of the dual relationship mess im trying not to overload her..but her alone wasnt enough..and well my head was getting away from me and i was scared and just not there completely..i went..i did..i had to take it one incredibly slow task at a time..and managed to get up and dressed and not be late..but i got there and jessica wasnt available right then..and so i was just inside looking around and waiting ..and i guess i must have looked afraid or something because a lady i met last week told me that i could sit with her until jessica came..and she went to look for jessica for me..and well my need for comfort was in massive overdrive this morning ..but today my needs werent completely met and that made me sad..i was to afraid anyway to really figure out how to ask for what i needed..and i wasnt sure what i needed..i was there but i didnt know what i was doing there..on one hand it got me out of the house..that was good..but being surrounded by people and all of that made me feel overly nervous...and because of feeling weird anyway the loudness just sorta gave me a headache..but i stayed for the whole service..i did..and it was another one of those 'who told i was coming type messages' and today is one of those times when i hate how bad i am at remembering things..but the gist of it was letting go of what is weighing you down..letting go of past stuff..working on reaching your goals..etc and so on..another one of those things i prolly needed to hear..and it was a lady preaching today..which i didnt completely figure out until she was done..i just thought she was up there talking but no she was preaching..jessica told me so later..but at the end when they did the whole who would like to come up for prayer bit..i balked as usual..but jessica asked me all the same.and said she would go up with me.but well fear and utter terror stopped that from happening..and so jessica asked me if i would be ok with the lady preaching coming to me..and i told her maybe..i swear i said maybe..and no sooner than she got that maybe, she was up and moving..and went and got the other lady..and i tried to figure out to late what she was doing..cas i was thinking ok she will get her later when i wasnt standing in the middle of a huge crowd..but no ..she went and got her then..and that just upped my nervousness..but the lady preacher came and asked if i wanted to be prayed for..and somehow i ended up nodding..and let her touch me and pray and i tried to listen..and focus but i dont think i did a good job ..but that was the first time i have ever completely closed my eyes in church..normally when prayer and things are going on i just keep my head down..or rather obviously stare at everyone else praying..but this time..for this one moment with the lady preacher i closed my eyes and just listened..and tried to ask for peace, something..anything..i was almost sad when she let me go..and i was reminding myself that i wasnt going to cry..but it was ok..overall it was ok..i left still feeling very nervous and lonely..and i really truly wanted to stay with jessica..for like forever but my nervousness wasnt gonna let me stay through the whole meet and greet stuff..jessica introduced me to some ppl and i was polite you know..a little bit odd i guess..but polite .. and after a bit i let her know that i was ready to go..and she walked me to my car..but i wanted to talk to her..i really wanted to just talk to her and have one on one time with her..but i couldnt ask for it..i didnt know what i wanted to ask her..or how to ask her..my head is so full of questions about religion, god, faith all of that..but the questions wont come..i wanted to talk to her about how i was feeling and how scared i am feeling..i wanted to tell her that im just tired and worn out..but i didnt ..so i just dont know..i want attention so very much and im not able to ask for it..i dont know how to ask for it..and that made me wonder about the whole getting better thing..and how if i get better i wont have any support anymore at all..and that makes me want to do bad things..it makes me want to hurt because then the pain is visible..it can be noticed..otherwise i just slip by..i slip through unnoticed..and that hurts me and makes me feel so sad and invisible and like i dont matter at all to anyone...one of the phrases from church today was ' its important to remember that you matter, that your life is worth something' and i heard that and tried to hang on to it .. i want it to be true ..but im not feeling like i matter at all :( and maybe it is really particularly that i am not taking all of my meds right now...i can tell that the missing meds are affecting me...my head hurts a lot and my other not so good thoughts are slipping in and taking over..i dont want to go back to feeling so completely and utterly suicidal..i really dont..:( why cant i just be happy and stay happy and not need meds or therapy or the constant attention and support of others.. i dont understand..i dont understand why there is so very much wrong with me..it feels so overwhelming and total and like i will never be whole..ill never be healed..ill never be anything at all..i just want to feel safe..included..happy..calm..i dont want to be afraid anymore..i dont want to be scared and anxious..i dont want to be alone.. i dont know..i think ill try sleeping for a bit and then get up and do work stuff..head just isnt with it today..not at all...
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