well the day is ending ..but my head is still rather active..

yep..this hasnt been the best of weekends...just really down and out of sorts and sad and all sorts of not so good thinking going on...a really bad attack myself weekend..and well ive cut and purged..and i dont know..i did write and distract myself and do collages..and still i couldnt seem to stop the need to hurt..its like so easy to fall back on this junk and i hate that..i do..but at the same time i feel like im being pulled back into them..maybe it is that so much new stuff is going on and so many changes that i am wanting the comfort and safety (albeit all in my head) of the old things..even though they hurt me..i can deal with them..all the changes make me feel nervous and edgy and afraid..and i dont know..

-sigh-

sometimes insight just stinks..although i guess its a good thing i realized that..because i was just thinking i was going crazy..but i also feel majorly in control of those things...like i can deal with it..i can manage it..i can quietly go back to destroying myself as i get used to the newness of the major changes..how does that work exactly ? ugh. i dont understand my head..

hmmm insert a lot of wasted time here...

im highly distracted..and well still havent done any of my darn work..crap..i have to turn all of it in tomorrow darn it..and still im messing around..im feeling rather sick right now..and hungry...funny how that happens..considering purging is supposed to get rid of food..but i purge and then im hungry..gross isnt it..but well my wrist hurts..and my stomach hurts..and im sleepy but cant sleep...tomorrow is gonna be a long long drawn out day...yep..

i did have a purpose to this..when i started i did anyway...have i mentioned that im tired ?? thank god this week i get paid..which is also way i have to get my darn work in..ugh..

what do i need??? i dont know..a slap in the head..a kick, a push, a reality check...crap

what i want is a hug..i want to talk, i want to feel noticed..i think that not being around my supervisor and director so much last week has left me feeling unimportant..like my usual cheering squad just wasnt there last week..and well it was my fault really..well maybe not all my fault but i just wasnt in the office much..and so i wasnt able to see them as much..and didnt get to ramble on to them about well random things..and so maybe its just that i am missing them..a lot..but missing them means that they are important to me and that makes me nervous..and it makes me want to do things to push them away..because i get scared that they will leave me..that something will happen and they will end up leaving me..and ive become so attached to them that them going away will be an awful awful thing...its bad enough that i know now that kathy is only in the office like 3 days a week..like i couldnt wrap my head around that one..she is always in the office darn it..but now its like umm no shes not and i dont like that..not that i can do anything about it..but still its bothersome..and i asked her the other week if she would be staying at the office..and not leaving to go to another job..and i think she maybe picked up on my fears relating to that ..but she just told me that she wasnt going anywhere for a while..but still im afraid she is going to leave..and i know she is working like super hard to get me to reach out to other people..but im resisting a bit..because i dont want other people..i just want her..(insert tantrum here) ... the 'relationships' that i have with my supervisor and director are incredibly one sided i think..i mean im not doing anything for them..i dont give them anything..and i dont think they are asking me for anything..but i want everything from them. i want their time, their attention, their care, support, love..all of it..and the more i get from them the more i want..its like im just this starving child and nothing is enough anymore..because now im learning about the whole good part of attention and what it is to be comforted and all of that..and i want it...and im upset when i cant have it..and im upset when im told no if i ask for like a hug or something..and crap i think i would do anything at all for them if it meant that they would give me attention..in a good way..but i guess with them i want attention even if its not so good..like not turning stuff in at work or something..or doing things that will make them worry..and cause them to check in with me more often..and i know i shouldnt do it..and i know i shouldnt let things get bad or out of control just so that i can go to them and get hugs or something..half of the time i cant even put into words what it is that i want from them..well besides like them keeping me forever..i just want them..thats it..and i dont like that i cant have them..and i dont like that i have to share them..and it makes me uncomfortable that i cant stay present and adult around them..because i know that i can get comfort from them..but im afraid that ill like break down or cry or something around them..and i would rather that did not happen...majorly not ok..but i cant give them what they give me..i dont know how..i feel stupid trying to comfort someone else..my emotions quickly go into inappropriate zone..and its like no its not ok to laugh when someone is telling me they are upset or depressed..and its not ok to completely zone out when someone is talking to me and looking for comfort or understanding...i become indifferent i think..and i think it is just that i am uncomfortable and dont know what to do..with kids its easier..a hug and some attention and they bounce back..with adults its a bit more work..and im not good with it..i dont know how to show genuine care ..i do care..but sometimes i feel like i come across as being stupid or uncaring or mean..and i dont mean to be..it just happens..i dont know..maybe im just a horrible person.and cant do anything at all..and im just this needy needy person and i cant get my needs met because im supposed to be an adult..but my needs are so not adult..and i cant explain them without feeling like i am going crazy..because im not supposed to want these things from my supervisor or my director..but i do and i dont know how to get my self to stop wanting it..and i do talk about it ..well a lot of talking about it lately with linda ..and it does help a little bit..at least she doesnt think im crazy..but i dont know how to fix this..because the more i am aware of it..the more its like i need it all the time..and nothing is enough from them..and i feel so much better when i am around them..i want to be around them all the time..i want to put myself into the middle of there lives so that they cant make me go .. so they cant make leave..i want them to keep me forever..both of them actually..but more my supervisor..because in my mind she has me already..i have moved in and set up shop in her life..and she cant get rid of me at all..ever.. i just to be wanted..maybe thats what is driving all of this..like if i swear to be good and to follow the rules..i promise to not do anything bad at all..i will do whatever im told..if it will help her want to keep me..i have told my supervisor that i promised to be good..i told her i would stay out of her way..i would be good..i never mean to be bad..i really just want her to want me..