guess i need to finish from yesterday...

im gonna try to write this quickly because i still have paperwork to do..yuck...

but hmm i didnt finish writing about yesterday and everything..well i ended up going to church yesterday..and i went without getting in touch with jessica first..i really wanted to though..and so i got there and had to really restrain myself from sending her a message..but i think that if i had gotten there and not seen her im not sure i would have stayed..but she was there and i was just hanging out at the back and looking around because i was feeling scared as usual and trying to decide if i wanted to leave or stay..and finally i saw her and she of course can and got me..and i think i would have been fine hanging out in the back! but it was ok i went and sat with her...and then she had to leave to take care of stuff a couple times and i ended up feeling incredibly exposed and what not..but she came back so it was ok..and she gave me a hug..which was the other reason i completely made myself show up..but i did get lots of hugs yesterday..and so anyway..i was having a hard time yesterday anyways..and so i was a bit out of it in the first place ..but then after all the music and what not and offering and all of that and i got confused because the pastor started talking before he usually did and that kinda threw me cas he was messing up the schedule you know..because im a stickler for schedules..essh..but it was just talking and the actual sermon was later on..like it was supposed to be...and umm the sermon started and i was trying to listen but my attention was incredibly drifty yesterday..and i just kept thinking about other stuff..and my morning and the bad dreams..you know all the stuff i prolly didnt need to be thinking about..but i was trying sorta to pay attention..umm but the message for yesterday was umm letting go of the past..letting go of secrets..and so on and so forth..and im sitting there feeling more and more like im wearing a darn sign that says we must specifically talk about whatever it is that im going through..i dont understand how it keeps happening like that?!?! but darn it all to heck becuase it is very unnerving ..but yeah i just ended up getting more and more uncomfortable..and spent a lot of time playing with my fingers..because my eye contact was really bad yesterday..and so i got through the sermon and then they do the whole if you want prayer or if you want to join the church you can come up...and good grief i have total control over my self during this because gosh darn it i would have gone up there..but a couple things stopped me..one was that the pastor is a guy and im not comfortable having him or anyone else touching me that much..and well i am really uncomfortable being in front of people who are all like looking at me..and i wouldnt let myself do it..but i really wanted too..and then of the darn jealously set in because as much as i didnt want to be there i still wanted the care and support that comes from it..and so i watched the entire thing and seriously was just staring at it all..but i refused to be a part of it..and i was standing very still just watching..and jessica asked if i wanted to go and i said no..she said she would go with me and i still said no..and then she asked if i was worried that the pastor was going to hurt me..and i didnt answer that one but i stopped looking at her but i guess that was answer enough..and she asked me again once more and then said she would stop asking ..and she was just you know near me..but i was again in my own little world watching what was going on and wanting to be a part of it so very much..but i couldnt do it..jessica did mention that it would be a big step and well i nodded to that one..because well it would be a huge step..a huge huge scary step and im not there yet..im not comfortable with the people there..but gosh darn ppl kept saying hi to me and asking if i had been before and so forth..like at the end when they are doing the meet and greet stuff ..and jessica got me in there again and i was getting information about the womens retreat because i do want to do that but again im scared to do it..and of course im standing there avoiding eye contact for all its worth and jessica is talking for me..and she had asked me earlier in the week about maybe asking heather if she wanted to come to the retreat..and i did ask her but havent gotten a response yet from her...and i would be prefectly ok with her coming .. but im not as comfortable say with asking my sister to come..but then out of no where jessica said  ill pay for you to go..and immediately my head started to protest..because its like umm no i cant accept that...and things like that make me doubt my good sense and its like why are you doing so many nice things for me and listening to me and talking to me ... i have a hard time just accepting things for what they are..and i know that jessica will not hurt me..i do..but i worry that she wants something from me when there is stuff like this involved..talking in the office is fine...inviting me to her church..a little less fine but not you know a huge huge deal...spending almost $300 on me is like wait stop for a minute..because i need to know why..i get scared then..and i did that a lot with a few of my teachers from college..during like my last year when all sorts of things happened with that..and it was like i need you to explain why it is you are trusting me when i havent done anything at all to gain your trust..it was me asking what do you want from me..it makes me nervous...but i didnt say anything ..at the time..ill think about it more and prolly ask her about it all the same at some point..but then she had to go and do other stuff and i was waiting for her sister to come and get me..and so i was in an almost corner..i was as far away as i could get from everyone else without actually being in a corner..but there were so many ppl coming into the room and none of them i knew and so i was feeling anxious..and to my absolute horror ppl just kept saying hi to me and asking how i was..and i mean be horrified but im not completely rude..so i did introduce myself..and managed to like utter my name..but when im nervous and in new situations i dont talk loud at all and i most certainly did not intitate a conversion with anyone..but i was watching as many ppl as i could..and well of course all of this happened after i did everything but avoid spending any time with the pastor..i wanted to avoid him but of course he was there waiting at the end of the service to say hi and shake hands with everyone..and being one of the first ppl out i couldnt avoid him at all..and so i shook his hand without looking at him and tried to pull my hand away from him..but well  i just kinda was there during the whole meet and greet thing until jessicas sister came and litterally got me..and kept me with her for a bit longer and then asked if i wanted to go outside and i said yes..and i got to escape outside..and then i was more ok again because it wasnt like being stuck in a tiny crowded room..and i was just half listening to the conversations going on around me and was more just watching the little kids that were playing around out front..but i spoke a little bit and what not..but again i was mostly just watching and being glad i was outside .. and umm jessica came out while i was outside and she was talking and things and mentioned this get together dessert thing that is going to be in a couple weeks and reminded me to think about going..and well i asked her if i could ask her a question..because out of no where my thinking had been back and forth on suicide and hell for most of the morning..and i guess i was just wanting conformation or something..because she walked with me towards my car but we started talking about the service and stuff because i was avoiding the actual question..and i did tell her that the service had made me feel uncomfortable..and that i wasnt sure why..and she of course mentioned the whole past and secrets part of it and said that she knew they were affecting me and what not..and that was one of the times where it was like umm darn she does know a bit about me..but eventually i got around to asking her my question about if you go to hell for committing suicide..and she said she believed you did..and explained why she felt that way to me..and i dont know if i liked her answer or not..all things considered..but i did tell her that i believed you do go to hell for killing yourself..i dont know exactly how i got the idea in my head or why i believe it so much..its been one of the things that used to stop me from trying you know...i dont want to go to hell..well sometimes i dont want to go and sometimes its like yeah well im already going to hell for things ive done..so its just confusing ..and im not sure what to think about it...the conversation of course led to her asking if i was thinking about suicide..and i told her of course not...but she didnt catch anything in how i answered her..thankfully...because i wasnt going to answer that at all but then i realized that she is not the one to give that information too at all...so i said no...had she been linda she may have asked again based purely on how i responded..essh..but she let me go and didnt push the issue..thankfully..and i was feeling sad you know but not suicidal..just sad and lonely...and so i came home and then made myself get up and go to the store..and then came back home and actually ate without thinking about throwing up..i need to stop that..but i mean it wasnt a particularly great evening but it wasnt horrible..and i think i ended up falling asleep for part of it but i dont remember..and so it was just a quiet evening really...some thinking issues..but sorta manageable i guess..had trouble sleeping last night but i dont think i had bad dreams again..but im not completely sure ... i dont feel like i had bad dreams..

but yeah that was my recount from yesterday i think..

today im still feeling sad sorta and really tired...i see the pdoc today to talk about my meds and then theres the staff meeting..and i do intend to work on my notes this morning...and well right now i have to eat and take my meds cas im a little bit late..but yeah..thats all .. nothing to thrilling..