what gets triggered in t?

i think something t said a couple weeks ago is bothering me ..i dont know..we were talking about eye contact again..umm it was before i had to go for my job interview. i told her that i could make eye contact when i had to you know..for a job interview i know i have to make some eye contact, i have to look at the person im talking to. im by no means great at it but i can manage it enough to get by and get the person im with to realize im looking at them i guess. but with linda i cant do it, i could do it with the linda before that, or the other therapist ive had. i couldnt do it with my teachers who knew way to much about me, or anyone who knows to much about me. im back and forth with family and almost never with mommy. but with the kids i watch i can look at them..it was back and forth with the girls i worked with, sometimes i had to force myself to look at them. i think its a little easier if im looking at someone and they arent looking at me at the same time..its like some of the pressure is off that way..but im off track..umm she asked me what gets triggered in therapy that i cant look at her..cas after talking for a bit she mentioned that i was making a choice to not look at her. i was like no its not a choice..its just something that i do..that i have to do cas i get nervous and all that..but i know its worse in therapy or when i have to talk one on one about personal stuff..its a lot worse..but i cant do it..i get so scared and nervous and anxious and ashamed i guess..gosh after umm almost 9 years in and out of therapy im finally slightly accepting that i need to go to therapy because theres a lot i have to deal with..but at the same time im still ashamed that i have to go..that i need someone else to step in and help me deal with stuff because i cant do it by myself..its like the ultimate failure..not being able to deal with my life and manage and all of that..but then having to talk about all the hurts and stuff makes me go way beyond just being anxious..because then it turns into like breaking rules and talking and not keeping family stuff quiet and being in trouble and then i really cant get the words out..and start just kinda losing focus and changing the subject..and you would think i would realize that doing all that just keeps me in therapy even longer...and its pretty obvious what topics i dont want to talk about cas i keep managing to get around talking about them..just cas linda starts asking questions and i start feeling trapped and scared and hoping that something will happen to get me out of there.. and saying i dont know a million times when i do know..and then it all gets confusing and im frustrated because i still cant seem to talk to her..and i want to but i cant..cas being scared and ashamed still wins out i guess..so guess thats all i got for now...and then i just cant look at her cas im afraid of what she sees in me but also what i would see from her reactions i guess..and maybe its just kind of a protection thing..cas i do work awfully hard to make sure i never look at her eyes..and i can see her when im in her office..without looking directly at her..i can tell and notice things about her..but i just cant look at her while im with her..and i dont know..