not accepting..

this...all of this that is going on now with money and insurance and meds..will never ever happen again..never.. i feel so stupid for letting it all happen..and blame myself every single day for messing up and just causing all of this..i do..but somewhere in my head i guess i know ill get through it because i have to..but i also know that i have a few days before i even have to bother doing anything else that concerns people or talking or interacting with anyone..i dont want to talk..i dont feel like talking..i want to be left alone but being alone is killing me..and i know everyone is busy with there own stuff i do..but still..oh well for me i guess..i hate how hard im struggling right now i do..and im just making it worse i guess because im not trying hard enough to get through it..without all the negative thoughts and what not..im tired..i sleep all the time..and if im not sleeping i may as well just be staring off into space for all im actually doing..im mad at everything..im mad at myself i guess..once i start working again..and start getting regular paychecks..i know ill be putting money into savings now..ill work three freaking jobs i dont care..if it means ill be able to save and live and not have this happen again..it makes me so so tired..and upset..and im angry that the unemployment is a bunch of bs..im very angry at that..and theres still a chance i wont get anything..how am i supposed to live ??! how am i supposed to manage anything ?? its all so stupid..all these programs put in place to help you and the guidelines make it so difficult to even qualify..i need help and i cant even get it..im embarrassed hugely by the fact that i cant afford to buy food and should go and apply for food stamps..but shame stops me from going and actually doing it..im trying to stretch out what i have..plan going to the grocery store down to the last penny..and still i know i wont be able to manage..and it is upsetting so very much..im ashamed to need the help..and even more ashamed that i dont qualify for most of it..im calling the free clinic on monday and seeing if they can help me with meds..and after that im just out of options...i guess..its just so disappointing..all of it..and its all my fault..because im just so stupid and trusting .. ive ruined everything..