overwhelming day...very overwhelming

just need to get this out...head is so full and feeling so agitated and anxious...

well my morning started out with a phone call from my job that im starting next week..and that i have to get two more references..it has to be a supervisor..and so i have to figure out who i can get in touch with at my old job in nc..and talk to them..cas at first i was thinking i would have to get in touch with my supervisor from my job i just lost and that i didnt want to talk to them..well i didnt know what to say to my supervisor to get her to fill out a reference for me..and i was just getting upset and stuff about possible getting to see the girls and all of that..and it was hard to let that go...so that was worrying me..

went to t and talked to her..and it was hard..like nothing she said could get me out of how i was feeling..i refused a lot of her suggestions today because i just wasnt feeling good and was just having a hard time...we talked about how i was feeling and the cutting and the med situation..she told me i needed to talk to the pdoc and i wasnt to keen on that idea and said enough and agreed to consider calling the pdoc about the meds..(well i left her and was just sitting in my car figuring out where to go when pdoc called me..and i asked her why she was calling..which then turned into im sorry what are you calling about..t was fast in getting a hold of pdoc and telling her what was going on with the meds) i guess i cant blame her cas i wasnt sure i would have stuck to calling pdoc..and i would have just let it go or something..so pdoc talked to me about starting a different med that would be a lot cheaper and is like lexapro..and i told her i would call her back because i just needed to think..i was getting to much information pushed at me and i couldnt think..so im going to look up that med..cas essentially its like starting new with means possible side effects..with possible withdrawls and im just not happy or hopeful about the med situation right now..im not happy or hopeful about anything right now but thats another story..t talked about what it would take to keep seeing her..$70 a session..with the understanding that i could not pay right now..but would have to pay on it..im thinking about the bill i would rack up..im thinking about what it would take to just say no and stop going..thinking about how long it would be before we finished falling apart without t ..all of that went through my head..all of it is still going through my head..she said that would be how it would have to be until insurance kicked in but that as soon as i had insurance again it would be back to the usual price or something cheaper..since i dont know what type of insurance it will be...we talked about plans for me to be safe..and what i would need to do..absolutely refused the hospital...did agree to call her if things got to be to overwhelming..agreed something else but forgot what it was but in general my understanding is i need to keep it together and not end up with giving anyone a reason to try putting me in the hospital..no..talked about money and lack there of..and it was an overwhelming session..and i just feel like i am pushing t just to push her..want her to just be mad and give up cas im not willing to try or anything anymore..she told me again that i needed to keep holding on and not give up..cas i have so much to look forward to..i didnt make an appt for next week with t..but my appt for pdoc is still scheduled for a couple weeks..but she said she would call in the meds if i agreed to taking them..so all confused and overwhelmed by all of it..
really am on overload right now with all of that...

and then to add to the mix of everything going on..i was offered another job ..which i accepted for a number of reasons.. partially just want to be so busy that i just stop thinking about everything else...partially i just need the extra money..and i know it may not work out long term..and there's the possibility that it can work out long term..i don't know..but i want to try..i really do..and its just the orientation..i just want to be busy again..i need something else to take up space in my head..so will have to see..