just struggling

i am sad. i am angry. im trying not to cry. all day ive been by myself and i guess it is just adding on to everything else. im alone and upset. thats a great freaking combination. im trying so hard not to cut. i am. but ive been thinking about razors for a while now. i never got around to throwing away the last new set that i got.ages ago..still have them and i want them . i am trying though. im trying to do something but i dont know what yet. just upset with everything..upset with the way things are turning out and keep thinking its all my fault..like i just keep reminding myself that i just screwed up big time with all of this and now im paying for it. yesterday i was thinking that it has been a while since you know ive been able to make myself suffer for something ive done..not being able to take the meds is making me suffer. i feel awful and there is nothing that will help that..nothing is helping any of the feelings..i just feel lightheaded and sick and not good. i just lay down because moving makes me feel awful..laying down makes me feel awful because i shouldnt lay down so much..but i cant deal with anything anymore. i cant get myself to get up and do anything..i forced myself to sit up tonight and i couldnt even last an hour before i had to lay down again. i napped for over 3 hours this morning after sleeping a lot last night .. i should go and take the sleep meds now but inside i just want to keep laying here becuase i dread walking up the steps..im so stupid ..and i just cant get past that all of this is all my fault. i have to remind myself that linda told me i had to keep trying and not give up but thats exactly what i want to do..i want to just give up and just cry and i dont know..just not be here. being here is to hard to deal with and i dont know how to get my head to stop anymore. i argue and lose..i try and fail..and nothing works..maybe i am hiding..and lying all day long to mommy. yes im fine, of course im fine, im just tired..i can lie all day long to her because i dont need her worrying about me..or asking me if im 'doing' anything..damnit i dont even have skin left to do anything with.well i do but cutting all over my lower arms would not go over well with anyone i guess..but lately i dont care one bit about the scars..im= just want things to be better and there not better..and really they are all getting worse..they all just feel worse and overwhleming and im tired..im just done with everything you know..i dont want to have to do anything that all...i have to go out tomorrow..and only because i have to will i try to deal with not feeling well and go to the interview i have tomorrow..and i have a meeting thing that is scheduled for tomorrow that i said i would go to..but i dont know about that..going and listening may be good...it may make me feel worse..so i dont know about that one..and thats my days...nothing planned for the weekend..nothing planned for anny days..any more..i just dont know what im doing..im sinking into all of this and just cant see any way out at all..i keep saying i just have to make it to the next hour without doing anything..i have to make it to seeing linda next week..i think about how i need to just get up and do something and i cant..and i know better..i do..how many times have i told someone else not to do exactly what it is im doing?! im not stupid but i seem to be dead set on making myself think i am..linda said it was a mistake what happened at work..when i told her i had messed up everything..but it isnt..i messed up..and then everything fell apart..and weeks later i still cant get a grip..im still not able to move on..because i keep thinking and worrying..and more things happen and i just go back to all the bad thoughts..hopeless thats what it is..just feel hopeless..and nothing is ok..