sometimes...

sometimes i think my problems and issues just arent serious enough to need help...i start thinking that i can deal with all this stuff on my own and ithat i dont need to tell anyone what is going on with me..i feel the need to just pull away from everyone..like ive shared to much and ive talked to much and now i need to be quiet..being quiet will kill me in the end..because my bad thoughts hide in the quietness..because ive gotten so good at hiding things..at leaving information out..i know all about how to say what i need to say to get people to stop questioning me..i would never stay in the hospital long if it got to that..i need to think like i was before..when my silence did protect me..when i didnt have to worry about anyone hiding out anything about me..sometimes i think that its just not worth it..that there is nothing worth fighting for and i want to give up..i dont even know why..i just want to give up on everything..worries and anxiety get the best of me and im afraid...sometimes im afraid of myself..sometimes im afraid of everyone else..of everything else..and i feel lost and confused..i know that i shouldnt compare myself to others..not when it comes to stuff like this..but i do..i run into ppl online who struggle so much more than i do..and it hurts me that i cant help..that i cant do anything at all to make things better for them..and i run into people who stay in crisis..who demand so much ..who need so much..and i just cant give it..it becomes to overwhelming and i get lost in it..i want to help i do..but i end up just thinking that im not as bad as them..and so i dont need the same kind of help..i get so jealous of the people who get to have therapy lots and who have lots of support and love and it feels like im just alone and struggling..and lying to everyone about whats going on with me..i want to go back to keeping my secrets and shutting everyone out..not that ive let all that many people in..but i do just want to shut down..i want to hide..and go back to pretending that everything is ok and fine..when really things are just falling apart..things are always falling apart lately and sometimes it so hard to keep pretending..i get so tired of pretending..i get so jealous of the people who can talk about what happened to them..and i cant get the words out..i cant tell any thing..im still trapped in my silence..i still struggle..but i dont feel i deserve help..i dont feel i deserve anything..and i wish linda would just agree and let me go..i want her to give up on me so that then it wont matter any at all what i do to myself..i dont want to have to tell her what i do..i dont..i want to be alone..but i die in all the aloneness..i make myself think i dont want linda to care..i dont want her to help..and i go out of my way at times to push her away...im completely screwed up..and i dont know why i even bother