well today has been relatively uneventful...mood has been alright you know...went to training and left to see t and then went back to training..struggling some today with wanting to just go and have fast food for dinner..but trying hard not to give in..wont give in cas cant afford it but yeah..seems like such a minor thing all things considered..but its super imposing at the same time..maybe will go and find a snack or something since im feeling really hungry right now..
t was interesting today i guess..i mean we talked about how things were going and how the work stuff was going..meds..you know the usual stuff...and t was all positive about me and i had to change the subject after a while..but she just said you know that she could tell i was feeling better..and i actually talked some you know..and she said that i had done good you know..all things considered..and she said that the self talk was a good thing..positive/negative and being able to tell the difference and all that.and that i had managed you know..and only cut twice..and no matter how much i tried to downplay all of it she kept bringing it up and told me that i needed to take ownership and i told her that i didnt see what the big deal was..and then we talked about my lack of being able to take a compliment..and to get her to change the subject i gave her my journal..and she skimmed it/read some parts..and talked about some of it..one of the first things she mentioned was about whether or not i was truly myself when i was with her..dont know how in the world she pulled that from what i wrote..hmm ok so maybe i guess its maybe possible to come to that..i mean she sees me pretty much every week and she talks to the pdoc and me and you know i told her that with her thats prolly the most im like myself..but she just had to take it further and told me that she felt that i would start to open up and then shut back down..and yeah i do that..i do it all the time..she also told me that she felt i told the truth about things...so it was interesting you know...surprising really at how much she can pull from things..and of course i know i write more in depth than i ever talk..and so yeah..but im not sorry i gave her the journal..im really not..it just made me nervous while she had it..she commended me on my ability to pull myself together and keep living life...i dont understand her at times ..i told her i pulled myself together because i had too..because i didnt like having the hospital hanging over my head..and that is true..you know..i didnt feel i had the choice of continuing the way i was..and so you know i did what i had to do..
hmm orientation was fairly fun today..i passed around pictures of bounce lol..and we all talked about cats and pets and it was fun...im so surprised you know..cas its starting to set in that they expect and trust that i am able to counsel children and there families..that im trusted to counsel them..and it is a scary scary thought..im going to have my own laptop and business cards! from the company..and i can go to the office late in the evening even to do paperwork...i like having that level of trust back..like im trusted to do my job and i dont need someone looking over my shoulder all the time..that is nice..but it is nerve wrecking also..cas i am being trusted..does that make sense ?
gotta figure out the phone situation but im not as worried about that...i can easily give the phones back and redo the adding a line thing..not a big deal...i think there was just some over excitement last night and it was like midnight that this was being done and umm the free phones and the smart phones and all that and yeah..a little to many choices all at once..but it is fixable lol..
the second job called today and asked about orientation and i asked for it to be next week..ill admit i lied about why i couldnt do it on friday..but they agreed to rescheduling it for next week and that is better..i really want both jobs to work out..but i will understand if i have to back out of the second one...i want to see how it goes though..figure out which company i prefer if i cant keep both...i mean either way i would still have to find a second job..ugh..cas with moving in september..im gonna need the extra money..so yeah..but im hoping for the best...
my old supervisor got back to me and im going to meet her next week inorder to get my things..and like i thought im not allowed on campus anymore sad.gif but im going to have to let that go..and move on..and its not as often now that i get sad about not seeing the girls ..but sometimes i just get caught up wondering what they are doing..and how they are doing..but soon i will have new kids to worry about and help and i guess thats where my attention needs to be...
i am glad im busy again..i am..but at the same time being so busy is worrying me lol...my back to planning and replanning my schedule..trying to fit everything in..and i know logically its not as full as i feel it is..but yeah..i guess i feel like i have purpose again..t was very glad i was back to work also...cant say i blame her ..
although i guess right now the major stress is you know wondering how to make my last bit of money last as long as possible...had to get gas today and that made me anxious..and so im working with maybe $30 to last as long as i can..and i dont want to ask mommy for any more money when i know she is going to be paying my phone and rent...and so yeah..will manage..again because i just have too...
but thinking ill go and get that snack now..and watch something funny for a little bit..i think im all talked out for now..
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