shamed...

i really struggled tonight to let go and just fill out the application for food stamps and stuff..ive had the application for over a week and just looked at it..i couldnt fill it out..i could barely fill it out tonight..i want to cry because i did fill it out..i just have to take them in tomorrow and drop it off and wait for a phone call ..and see what happens...im not holding out much hope..but i will see i guess...was almost crying trying to myself to fill out the stupid application and i couldnt do it..i couldnt admit i need the help..even though im worried extreme about money and bills and all that..i couldnt do it..somehow mommy worked it into me to never except help..to manage by myself..ive told mommy before that i would never be able to apply for food stamps or anything cas it was embarrassing..i dont care that i may need them now and any other help i can get..i dont..its not often i care about labels and all that..but for this the stigma is huge and it really bothers me..and i dont want to be seen as someone who is just playing the system..i dont even like the stupid system! and well the darn unemployment thing was just beyond depressing..its like really i worked my butt off for months and didnt qualify cas of why i was fired..but everyone else under the sun can get them.its so stupid..and just old things play heavily on all of this for me...mommy could manage with all 8 kids and working and managing for the most part you know..and i cant even manage with just myself..and just have failed miserably the past couple months .. i really truly hate this..all of it..and finished the paperwork about the 401k and im thinking that its not even worth it to cash out what ill get back..but i dont feel i have the choice anymore..i just cant think of anything else to do..and mommy is giving me as much as she can and i feel guilty for that too..and so i keep telling her that im fine and that im managing and thats not completely true..and it all gives me a headache..i really truly dont consider myself to be better than anyone else..i dont..but to me having to do this really is the ultimate failure.. :(