things...

today has not gone well..and i really cant figure out why...maybe its not that they havent gone well but its just that things are so hard with no money that im just thinking everything is messing up again...

im ready to cry about money and all that stress and theres nothing i can do about and i hate it so much..i spent my last $7 on gas..both my accounts are negative right now..and i just dont have any money coming in at all until the end of august..and mommy says not to worry? how can i not worry?! i dont have enough gas to even get through tomorrow and she tells me not to worry..i am worrying..i am stressing..i am struggling..i filled out for food stamps and emergency aid with the social services place and im waiting to hear back from them..and im doing everything possible to stay in the house and save on gas as much as possible..i spent my other money on food for the cats..and drinks..and i have nothing now..and it is something i have never experienced..i dont like having to depend on other ppl to support me..i dont like knowing that i really cant do anything right now without mommy..and that i still have all month to look at with nothing..i struggle with thinking i cant do this..that im going to fail..that i have failed..and im frustrated and upset with myself..it was never supposed to be like this..and you can bet it will never ever freaking happen again..starting as soon as i start getting paid..money will go into savings..this happening has taught me quite a few valuable lessons..onces i wish i never had to learn..no the world is not going to be wrapped up and served to me on a silver platter..i mean yes i work for what i make..but i realize that i take a lot of things for granted..i mean i already know i have the tendency to be incredibly materlistic..but i guess i just assumed that there was never any need for a back up plan..and so i wasnt prepared at all..and things are beyond suckish right now..but they will get better..god i hope they get better...i just dont know what im doing to do..i had been doing so well catching up..and now im behind again..

i saw linda today and i left her feeling very upset..like whatever i wanted from her today i just didnt get..and i kept saying things i shouldnt say and i was getting all nervous and scared and had to ask her to stop looking at me at one point..and i just i dont know what was wrong with me today..i guess my pride is hurt and i cant deal with it..just cas we were talking about money and stuff and finding resources..and i didnt explain my feelings well and so i left feeling fairly upset and unsettled..and ive been thinking about it..and still cant get past being upset to figure out what it is that is upsetting me so..but ill try to figure it out..

orientation for my 2nd job is tomorrow..and im glad to just be getting that over and done with..im anxious to find out about pay from that job and when ill be actually be getting clients and all that..and well since i know officially have an 804 number..i just need to get my license changed and ill live in va officially..its kinda funny that ive been here this long and still have all my nc stuff..

ive gone 10 days with no fast food at all..its getting easier..but at the same time its hard...like today i left the cpr thing feeling sick and lightheaded from not eating..and i just wanted to stop and grab something to eat and i couldnt..and i came home and made a sandwich and started dinner instead..im trying so very hard to eat healthier..and ive just been working really and getting rid of the fast food..cas i ate that a lot ..and ive been eating more chicken and sometimes veggies..and now with no money you know its hard and i only have whats in the house..and im trying hard to manage..but umm i wore some jeans today and literally they were falling off of me...like way more than usual and every time i stood or really moved i had to pull my pants up..it was such an annoyance..i mean i can tell my body is changing some..but nothing thats noticeable to anyone else..and sometimes like today i eat worried that im not eating enough..cas im trying to save food and everything..so im going to eat a good dinner tonight..and then ill be able to have left overs for lunch tomorrow..and well leftovers pretty much until there all gone..i cant afford to throw food away like i usually do..and so ill be eating rice and chicken till im royally sick of it..

-sigh-

i guess i just needed to get all of that out..maybe i can ask yvonne to loan me a little money for gas..i dont know..