ive been trying to figure out what to write..how to get my feelings out..and nothing is coming out of my head..i think ive just shut down..and i dont know what to do about it..
got so so upset last night..so caught in all the bad thoughts and cut..not bad but not simple little cuts either.cant even bring myself to take care of them..and so they just hurt and are all gross right now..i keep thinking ill get up and do something.and i dont..like i know they are there but i can block them out and not deal with it..but they are there..and they are open enough to prety easily get an infection if i dont do something..but all i have is peroxide which i found this morning..realized there is nothing else..and im pissed that i have to go to the drug store for first aid stuff..i am..well i dont have to..but i should. i ca nt decide. i dont want to leave the house to day. feeling panicked a bit i guess..i dont know ..thinking about leaving just makes me feel off somehow..i just want to be still and quiet..and think about nothing at all..why is that so much to ask for..ive gone and ruined everything once again..cept all i want is the empty dead feeling from cutting..no thoughts.no worries..i think i was almost happy at the small moment of release..just everything went away..ill tell t tomorrow shes just wasting her time on me..since its pretty obvious i cant be helped..
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