thinking

i have been really reflective the past couple of days about everything and about nothing at the same time. Trying to decide what to do and how i want to do it. Nervous about the training that starts next week and wondering what will happen if i don't like it or cant handle it. Thinking about school and when to go or if i want to go at all and finally figured out I want to go because I want my Masters and not for anyone else. * There I actually said it, in a matter of speaking lol* But I cant do it this year, I want to wait until next fall since I cant start in the spring anyway. That is far enough away that it gives us something to look forward to but not so far that it seems impossible. I have been thinking about therapy and why it is I am so afraid to go. I mean I talk about it all the time, I think about it all the time, my college years where spent in therapy and once I got out and was on my own and didn't have to answer to anyone about my behaviors I ran with it. Nothing could stop me and I could and still can do whatever I want. But its like the novelty of that has worn off and it feels like Ive stopped trying to be ok. I do just enough to get by and the rest is like I don't care what happens because I'm still here. And Ive been wondering if that makes me a bad person because I have stopped trying. Because I see and hear so many ppl talk about therapy and how helpful it is and all the stuff they learned and also how hard it is. and I cant even get up the courage to call and set up and appt. I have a million and one excuses for why it wont work without trying at all. Do I even have the right to talk to someone else about anything when I am just refusing to deal with anything right now. I don't want to apply at my old school and have the topic of therapy come up, I don't want to seem like a failure because i haven't tried to get better or work on anything. i don't want it to become an ultimatum again where i have no choice in the matter at all and its just go to therapy or you cant stay in the program type thing. Having to sit through that once was more than enough and id rather I never ever had to do it again. I know being at home is making everything worse and going to therapy is just a good idea in the grand scheme of things but i cant get past the fear. i dont even know where the fear came from?! its just a huge deal to need help and i suck for needing it and cant even ask for it without fear of making trouble or being in trouble. funny how a bit of fear can get me to talk myself out of almost everything given enough time. Its just hard