im tired..sleep and at the same time i dont sleep..however that works..like i go to bed and obviously i sleep because the time changes on the clock when i wake up fifty million times a night..but still im always tired again..i wish i had taken a nap earlier today but i couldnt sleep..i was to antsy..i was bored..i wanted to DO something and there was nothing for me to do..i hate being stuck at home sometimes..its not a big deal during the week because mommy is at work but its the weekend and so mommy is at home and its just way more stress trying to stay out of the way and making sure im not doing anything to get myself into any more trouble..and then yesterday turned into go shopping with mommy day and that took all of my energy..because being in the car with mommy is not something i ever want to do anymore because its like we get in that stupid enclosed space and there is no escape and then she just wants to talk..and i dont want to answer and say as little as possible which just leads to even more questions..but it wasnt to bad i guess..after a while i just stopped getting out of car ..but i suffered and went to the mall and i hate the mall..but i ended up finding something for yvonne so im not complaining..
im waiting for jan to be over so i can start working..i hate not having any money..i hate not doing anything with my time..it sucks and its feels like im just going crazy being stuck here all the time..and just being home is just i dont know..i want to complain and yell and scream and say over and over its not fair..but i dont think that would get me anywhere and im not a big complainer anyway..i keep looking at my calendar and wishing for the year to be over with already..it hasnt gotten off to as good as start as i had hoped..im not doing anything and so i just spend all my time doing i dont know what..and everything i try not to think about comes up and i think about all of it..
as i was looking around myspace for the millionth time today..i was looking through the lists of 'how your feeling' ..like all the emotions for what you can be feeling on any given day and its so stupid..because well first i still have a hard hard time even picking out what im feeling at any given time if its not happy or sad or pissed off..but tonight i wanted shame and well surprise surpise thats not an emotion..so i guess that means im not really feeling ashamed of myself for purging..and at first i wasnt because i didnt care that i had managed to talk myself into the one thing i swore up and down i wouldnt do again..but then after things quieted down all i could think about was how stupid i was for letting myself b/p..its like a huge let down..and i could take the time to look back and count up all the months i had not done it but i dont do that...failing once is failing big and nothing else matters..its like having to start over from square one yet again and i dont want to have to do that again..all i want to think about is how bloody easy it is to purge when i want to and what i have to do next time to stop it from hurting and reminding myself not to panic and all the stuff i hate thinking about and planning just comes rushing back after one stupid little screw up..and im guessing a light bulb should be going off or something because i get all this stuff from b/p and can actually sit down and process and all the boring junk..but when it comes to cutting i turn into a locked box..i dont even want to acknowledge im back to doing it on a reg basis much less figure out why..i still dont know why i prefer one to the other and i dont know why i protect one more than the other..doesnt make sense at all
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