never good enough

i thought getting a job was what i was supposed to do? i thought it was good to you know send out resumes and get interviews and find a job..i thought that was the important thing...and i was so happy and pleased yesterday because i had managed to have and go to an interview and not drop dead because i was so nervous and i went and talked and felt ok and even comfortable there talking with the lady who was doing my interview..and i was ok when i left and so excited when i got home..and then mommy comes home and just asks a few questions and then how much im going to be making and its like ok fine i knew it was coming but still it just kinda sucked being asked anyway..because she doesnt care that i have a job all thats important is how much i make as usual..and then she starts asking if im going to be putting in more applicatins and still looking for another job! i thought the whole point of saying i found a job was so that i could stop looking..no i dont plan on staying there forever and no i dont really mind that there are no benefits included..and yes ill be working come feb..but no i hadnt freakin planned on putting in any more appliactions..see i have this loyalty part of myself that i kinda like to keep in my head and if i get a job im not going to just up and quit before i even start because something with benefits comes along..and i wanted this job because it wasnt in an office and i wasnt going to be stuck behind a desk and i still get to work with kids..and everything i want for now in a job! and then in my free time i can look into grad schools or moving or whatever it is i want to do after this because i cant stay here longer than a year..i dont want to and i have no intention of doing it..so by this time next year ill be doing something else and ill have saved up enough to get a new car and pick some random place to live if im not in school or something..but i dont really know ..but why ruin my good mood to question whether or not im going to keep looking..its my choice right ? even if its just for a few months a job is a job and bills dont happen to stop just because i dont have a job..and now i wonder if it was the right choice i guess..all it takes in one person to doubt it and then tell me about it and its like maybe i did the wrong thing..maybe i shouldnt have agreed to do the training..maybe maybe maybe ugh..its not fair! i wanted to be happy about it and i was and now its like i dont care..no acomplishment or anything..like i did everything for nothing..and it doesnt matter..
and to make it all better mommy called me a pig last night..i wasnt even doing anything..i just happened to be standing in the kitchen talking to her about something else and she just asked if i wnted dinner and i couldnt decide but was going to say no anyway and she just turns around and tells me not to be a pig..well gee that was score one ofr self confidence there..and suddenly my glaring lack of pain lately comes back full force..and i wonder when was the last time i really did anything at all that hurted big time..its like well you could care less about how i felt anyway so why not just go ahead and make sure i can do make it hurt more..and i can..its just a matter of whether i really want to do it..and i do..i was trying and i was putting effort into being at home and staying ok..but now i could really care less..im here and ill stay here because i have no where else to go but its like ill just go back to doing what i was to stay calm and well here in a matter of speaking..i want to say its not fair but it makes no difference either way does it? no it doesnt matter at all..so much for trying..im still nothing