after thinking about it a lot the past few days and hearing mommy ask me again and again if im looking for a new job and how many applications i put in i realized that one its annoying the heck out of me..and two that well its not really about her at all..but shes making it about her without really saying so...like i need to get a job and it has to be better than what she has and i have to have benfits and all this stuff..and no where in there ive i been asked if i like what i picked or if i want to do it or anything..and somewhere along the way all the excitement i felt and relief about getting a job just kinda went away...and got lost underneath everything im being told and its just not fair at all..so as i want looking through the newspaper yet again this morning because mommy so conviently left it on the table again and saw another ad for the place that hired me..and its like i havent even been through there training yet to see if i want to actually take the job...and it makes me feel guilty to keep putting in applications when ive already been signed up for the training and its like ok why cant i wait and see...i knew benefits werent included and i still agreed to do the training..this is what i want to do becuase its keeping me working one on one with ppl and kids and babies..and its not just a monday - friday job..and i was comfortable there and all this other stuff that i liked about it and its like its being taken away before i even get there! so no ive decided im not applying for anything else right now..i dont want to..im ok with what i picked even if mommy isnt..i want to do the training and learn more indepth what ill be doing and all of that..the problem comes along when its sticking to my choice and not being talked out of it..again..shes trying to make me like her and i dont want that..i cant really make plans based on the future when i cant even stay in the present completely..
ive got to find something to do to improve my mood..i really really do
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