i dont like being referred to as a drunk just because there are wine coolers in the fridge and have been there for almost a month and we havent drank any since new years. and even then it was only two. what ever happened to being tactful with someone elses feelings? when did that stop being so important? i guess because she is the mother and we are still the child it doesnt matter as much because she is in charge and we have to follow the rules and what she says is still the most important thing. it doesnt seem fair though, that she can keep passing judgement on me for a variety of reasons and i cant even begin to voice an opinion without being yelled at. but im also quick to lose my temper or get defensive because i never know what ill be accused of at any given time..
feel so guilty for not being able to consistently like mommy..i try and sometimes i just have to remind myself of what i have and what ive done.. she has been buying me clothes and things recently becuase a lot of stuff is on sale now and i take them and say thank you because im supposed too. but at the same time all the other stuff cant be forgotten. it doesnt just go away because she is in a giving mood and i have to accept it, whatever it may be at the time. liking her and striving for her love and attention are two completely different things. sometimes i dont care at all and some times i care so much i could just scream because i keep trying to do what is right and to be good and to be perfect and to be the good obediant child. the problem is im not a child anymore at least age wise. yet i cant fully drop the 'child' role here. its ingrained to much, im reminded to much that she is superior and she counts and i dont. i want to kill the vunerable streak that runs deep but is hidden well. the parts that still cry for a mother and comfort and safety that they are not getting. i hate how easy it can be pulled up around motherlike figures, the drive to be told things are going to be ok and that there arent monsters under the bed, or just to get a hug or a little back rub to let us know im noticed and important and okay. and i hate how it never comes from the person it is supposed to come from.
i dont like being called stupid and dumb. i have already graduated from college, ive already worked and lived alone and taken care of a pet and managed things okayish. i can cook and clean and pay bills and do little things to have fun but not to much because always in my head you are there to remind me of my place and not to overstep it. i dont like being at home and suddenly its as if i cant do a damn thing for myself and i have to ask permission to do anything and i have to be happy and smile because if i even look a little sad then something is wrong and i may try to cut myself again and then you will look bad and i will just have a one way ticket into some hospital so everyone can call you a caring and decent mother, with my best interest at heart.
i dont like being called a pig or fat and i dont like it even more when its done in a way to stop others from saying it first. contrary to popular belief most people do not go around calling people fat or pigs in there best interest. most people could care less about someone they did not know.
it doesnt matter, it does matter, and some how i never end up on the winning side. but when did things have to be brokendown into winners and losers?
1 comment:
I am sure this will be no use to you, but it is my experience that ppl like our mother's attempt to drag us down when we start becoming more productive and better people than they will ever dream of being.. in the time i have gotten to know you, wisp, you constant struggle to gain your mothers love and respect, has been tedius and unfounding. She will, and can, never give you what you want, she is filled with hate and contempt. You know you are awesome, you know you are productive, and you know you are strong... stop waiting for your mother to validate your worth... she never will.. she never wanted you to be anything but a failure and she is going to keep doing what she has always done, only to break you down until you are finally the nothing she wants... you have friends, you have strength.. you know you do, and i know that it is hard to stand up and fight against a wall , especailly the wall that created you.. but a mothers job is to create, not destroy.. to uplift, not tear down.. to want more for those she sired.... not to hold them back so she can feel better about how horrid of a person/mother/human...
we love you wisp.....be well
Post a Comment