sigh

feeling a lot of stuff right now..no idea what im supposed to be feeling..but mommy is not feeling well again and i feel guilty and selfish for not showing more concern..but i try and then she just start telling me all this stuff i need to do and i dont want to be near her anymore and i just have a hard time controlling my temper..what little one i have..and it sucks..and im just tired of getting so defensive when i know im supposed to be patient and give chances and all this stuff that just doesnt happen when im around mommy..and im feeling sad today..woke up yelling awfully in my head..kinda almost as bad as it was getting before..and it kinda threw me for a loop becuase i wasnt expecting it at all to be like that ... cut this morning..well a little while ago..considered burning ..considered all of it again and it just i dont know..it was calming..in ways i hate to admit and then its like if im caught ill be dead..ill be so far beyond dead i dont know what to do if mommy happens to find out and go threw with her threats of a hospital if i did it again..ill just forget that i never stopped in the first place..feeling off today..really really off and upset..