therapy

i woke up thinking about therapy this morning..weird dream about having therapy over the phone when i hate talking on the phone and i was falling asleep on the phone and just felt guilty for not talking and yea it was really weird..why is it that i cant just say ok ill go..its not a big deal just talking right ?? and yet you would think i was a step away from signing my death sentence or something..it just scares me so much and its so humiliating having to need to go to therapy in the first place..i hate thinking i need help regardless of how much i do need help... its just ingrained to deep..hide everything and everything will be ok and now i get seem to get away from that..i dont know what to say or what to talk about and somethings its like ill die if i get to close to saying to much anyway..sometimes its like just standing in front of a wall and i cant get around it or through it or anything and im just stuck and no one can help me..i cant decide and i dont know what to do...also work up this morning really wanting to hurt and that turned into cutting but then i couldnt decide where to do it not if i wanted to do it..how screwed up is that?! if nothing else screamed go back to therapy well that did and still i want to fight it all the way..and even if i went eventually they would have to get my info from my other doc and that worries me too..i keep thinking she will write that the only way to get info out of me is to make me write it down..yea its true but i dont want anyone to actually say that about me..and i dont even know what she would say and im prolly just freaking about about nothing..